Ruhe in Frieden Tassi!

So this morning, as usual, I logged onto the faceybook to scroll through the news feed. I noticed that one of my peers from high school had posted a couple of old photos of him and some mates. Usually I wouldn't think much of this but only a week ago a group of us had caught up for coffee and talked about someone who we went to high school with who had been suffering from cancer over the last couple of years.  This guy with cancer was in these newly posted photos. Due to the fact that our conversation about him was sort of fresh in my mind I wondered if he had passed away. Turns out he has. Whilst I was never close to this guy I am saddened by his passing and I feel for those who were close to him. A week ago I experienced the loss of a close friend so I can relate to the sadness they must be feeling. I was in shock when I found out about my friend. He lives (I'm finding it hard to use past tense) in Germany and I had known him since 2005. I stupidly went to my messages to see the last conversation we had and then ended up scrolling and scrolling back through the messages. I never made it to the beginning because man had we chatted a lot over the last 11 years, we shared our highs and lows with one another. Both times I have been back to Germany I went and saw him. The last time I saw him we agreed we'd see each other again in 2 years time as that seemed to be the reoccurring pattern. That was 4 years ago and then life got in the way, brain tumours got in the way! F*** you brain tumours! He was taken too soon. Life can be a bitch, a cold hearted bitch!

On new years eve I was sent a lovely message that helped me look forward and become partially excited about the year where I hit the big three-oh, this year. I was upbeat & optimistic on new years day and then then that evening, the beginning of this exciting new year, facebook punched me in the gut! Over the last week I've thought about how this is going to influence my year. Initially I said 'great another fucking shit year ahead' but I think about how my friend would approach this situation. Yes he'd cry and stay in bed all day like I did but he'd also not let it stop him from enjoying his whole bloody year. Who would be so stupid?! So I'm going to treasure the moments that are joyous, that are fun and look forward to the moments when you snort because you're laughing so hard. My friend was determined to make the most of life. He faced more obstacles in his life than a lot of us put together but that did not stop him. So whilst my year has not started off in great joy I look forward to the glimmers of hope and I'll take in the moments that remind me how I'm so lucky to be here. Although I'm feeling sad and I know that life is not fair, once again I need to make sure that I make the most of it. I've got a few things I need to do this year!


Here's a soppy John Mayer song to listen to. Says it all really!

Rest in peace Tassi! xoxo

To do list

This Tuesday saw me heading to beloved Clinic C. After the usual lengthy wait, three hours this time, I was called in to see a different Dr.. This took me by great surprise and I questioned the new to me Dr. numerous times to make sure I was meant to be seeing them and not Dr. Straight to the Point, who is the only ever neurosurgeon I've had an appointment with. I was a little bit frustrated with this meeting because after they had talked about the larger glioma they were about to farewell me until next year but then I questioned them about the other glioma. The look of "what?" went across their face and then a lot of rustling through my file, which is getting even bigger, took place. They eventually found the information and re-assured me that there was no change with that glioma as with the other. Whilst they were looking though all of the notes they were talking in medical terms and I just wanted to stop them and remind them that what they were saying makes no sense to me so please talk to me in terms that I can understand. I sat there and thought what if I was writing a report for your child and wrote about me scaffolding them within their ZPD and encouraging them to increase their associative play as well as me seeing a change in their representational use of objects within their sociodramatic play. Would I do that? No! I wonder why not?! Anyway you're on your own until next June little gliomas. Emotional exhaustion occurs each time these meetings come around, you'd think I'd be able to handle these meetings by now.

This week was brain injury awareness week in Australia. The video that I have posted below came up in my facebook newsfeed. Although I find it a bit over dramatised, in some instances, the words the lady speaks rang so true for me a couple of years ago. I related to every single thing she said and her mentioning venturing into shopping centres, holy smokes, I recall how much of a horrendous task this was to do! I'm lucky because such experiences that the lady talks about no longer occur to me and I never want to experience these again.

Anyway in other parts of my life quite a bit has changed and these changes have been positive (mostly). Life rolls on, seasons change, people come and go but I'm still here trying to...

Are you crazy?

So a couple of weeks ago I posted about a big "life changing decision" that I had made and when and if I would go ahead with it. Well I have done it. To be honest I made a big hoo-ha over something that for most people could quite possibly be a 'meh' decision. Anyway I resigned from my job. From a permanent teaching job! For those of you that don't know, it's been really tricky to get a teaching job in my little city over the last few years and it still is, but I had come to a point where I no longer enjoyed what I was doing. I've been in a role that I never thought I would be and in the last 18 months it's gone from what was a security blanket to me to something that I drag myself out of bed for and hope to make it through the day. I know where my passion lies, I know what I want to do and have been called to do and although I leave this job with no job lined up in a way it's exciting. The main reason I posted about this was due to the fact that it relates to mental health. My mental health was suffering. I knew that and so did a few people that were around me. As I've learnt over the last few years being healthy isn't just about being healthy physically but about being mentally and spiritually healthy. I want to be an all round healthy person and I'm taking action to do that. No doubt there will be a few 'ahhh crap, what have I done?' moments over the next few months but like I posted about previously I know this is the right decision.

I've been surprised by some people's reactions. The majority of people have congratulated me on taking this 'bold step' and I wonder why. I'm still not 100% sure but as one of my dear colleagues said to me 'Sometimes where we end up is not due to us being lucky, but by us taking those risks, leaving a comfort zone and us working for what we get.  Sometimes we make our luck, luck doesn't just happen.' (or something like that but you get the idea.)

Anyway, do what makes you happy folks. Ask yourself 'What's right for my mental health?' and maybe just take that leap of faith.

Blessings xoxo

was it a leap year?

731 days ago (unless it was a leap year which means it would actually be 732 days)!

That is all!

time for change

I've made a big decision in the last couple of days. For me it's a life changing decision, however me  implementing this decision is dependent on what happens in the next couple of weeks. I hope the next couple of weeks brings my dreams to life but if it doesn't I know what I will do. If I'm to go ahead with Project TakeALeapOfFaith it brings with it a lot of uncertainty and big changes but changes can be exciting right?!

As I finally accepting that this decision is the best one for me. I had all this anger rise up in me. I was  blaming all that hasn't happened for me in the last 3 years on my brain tumours. I honestly feel so hard done by, I've felt like it's held me back from where I want to be in life. I was speaking to my psychologist about this on Friday evening and then she interrupts and says to me 'well is it holding you back now?'. I thought that was rude, all I wanted her to do was agree with me and help me work through this pain but she is right. I have been taken down a path I didn't want to go (hence the title of my blog) but at this point in time it's not the brain tumours holding me back from where I want to be, I'm holding myself back and it's now up to me to take a chance, take a leap, dive into the unknown. That was a revelation!

I was scrolling through Facebook earlier and noticed that someone had liked this status and boy oh boy is it timely.

'You may feel like your dreams have died. Everything is coming against you. Take a new perspective. Nothing in life has happened to you. It has happened for you. God has you in the palm of His hand.'

It's all about faith I suppose!

I'm saddened my what will most probably occur over the next couple of months but deep in my heart I have this sense of peace. 

I'll keep you posted!

In other crazy news I found out on Monday that one of the girls I play netball with underwent a craniotomy 3 years ago. As I joined this team not knowing any of them I didn't know anything about their personal life nor did they of mine. I had found out a couple of months ago that 2 of the girls on the team I play with are nurses on ward 5B - the ward that I was on after surgery, which in itself was crazy but to find out about MsGD was surreal. I have a brain tumour buddy on my netball team.

Oh and lastly, just in case you were wondering, the meeting with my neurosurgeon went well. My next MRI has been bumped out to a year. 

Love and blessings to you all xoxo

Just breathe!

One of the reasons I love working with 4 year olds is that I love seeing them develop socially and emotionally. Call me crazy, but I feel the support given to children in their preschool years in this area of development is more important than a lot of other "stuff" we help children with. I think most ECE would agree. The topic of social and emotional development was probably one of the topics that I enjoyed the most at Uni.

I haven't been feeling that well lately both emotionally and physically and  my usual overwhelming moment of having the MRI occurred last Monday. I saw this clip a couple of weeks prior to my MRI and I just loved the simplicity and honesty of it. It reminded me to breathe in those overwhelming moments. As I lay in that tube, heard the noise, felt the rumble and listened to 'you're doing great Cassandra' said to me a few times I took quite a few deep breaths to calm myself down.

If you're feeling angry, sad or bitter, I encourage you to take a moment and just breathe!

Confidence

Hello fellow Brain Tumour Bloggers and to anyone else who reads this. I hope this post finds you in good spirits. I've been wanting to post all day and have been thinking about what I should post but even as I type this I'm still not really sure what the end product will really be about.

Health wise I don't have anything to report on apart from a few really nasty migraines and a few panic moments when I thought I was going to have a seizure. I blame those silly moments on my über tiredness that work is providing me with. My next MRI is getting closer, June, and as usual I try not to think about that.

Today is Good Friday and personally I find Easter the most important time in the Christian calendar. I remember a few years ago on a Good Friday I rocked up to my usual church and just questioned Easter and therefore Christianity as I sat there and heard the same story again. 'Like seriously, this is ridiculous! Some guy a couple of thousand years ago dies on a cross and now I'm saved. What am I saved from? Oh and yeah, then he rises from the dead and drifts on up into "heaven"!' these were the types of thoughts that went through my mind when I sat in church that Good Friday morning. I spoke to a friend after the service and moaned to her about how when we talk about it logically the whole story is ridiculous. We'd been told this story since our birth, it was ingrained in us, the names of the people and the places and the concepts of sin and grace were things we just knew. She agreed but whilst we were talking about it she eventually reminded me, as Os Guinness writes, "If ours is an examined faith, we should be unafraid to doubt. If doubt is eventually justified, we were believing what clearly was not worth believing. But if doubt is answered, our faith has grown stronger. It knows God more certainly and it can enjoy God more deeply."

Anyway I'm still a bit unsure where this is headed but I know that the doubt that bombarded me all those years ago on Good Friday most definitely led me to strengthening my faith and as I mention in previous posts, pre-surgery posts, my faith has helped me a lot over the last couple of years. There are days where I am afraid of what will show up on the MRI, in fact I'm always worried by that, or I'll have a seizure but my faith brings me hope and offers me peace.

Last weekend I was at a church and the sermon talked briefly about having the confidence on your last day on earth that God loves you and you are saved by grace. Talking about one's last day on earth is not something that I am afraid of yet at the same time not one that I would regularly wish to converse about. One reason is because pre-surgery I felt very vulnerable to the fact that I may experience my last day on earth before surgery and didn't want that to be the case, not because of fear but because there is so much more that I wish to do and see. I have thought about the words of that sermon over the last week and whilst I know that life with a brain tumour, or two, brings with it a lot of uncertainty about one's time on earth, even after successful surgery, I am confident that whatever day is my last day on earth I am loved by God and saved by grace.

I love reading other Brain Tumour Bloggers blogs, they help, encourage and inspire me. I suppose it's the one positive thing about having and following blogs about brain tumours. This post doesn't offer any information about therapies or the latest research into brain tumours but through this post I wish to wish everyone and anyone who reads this a blessed Easter weekend. Smile, laugh, show and accept love and make sure you eat a hot cross bun or three!

There are few modern day worships songs that really resonate with me, the one I have I shared below is one of those.

You were as I
Tempted and tried
Human

Romans 5:6-10

For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life.

We're all getting older!

So yesterday my little brother turned 22 and until 11pm last night it had slipped my mind that on top of that joyous celebration, the 4th of February (yesterday) marks the anniversary of my last seizure. Earlier this evening I couldn't remember if my sister was 24 or 25. Time really is flying by and sometimes that's a good thing

5 years seizure free! 

p.s. my sister is 25!

What is my diagnosis?

I went to my GP last week so they could fill out the annual form that says I'm fit to drive. It's this section that relates to me.

So have a guess which boxes my Dr. ticked. You probably guessed correctly.

Seizures and Space-occupying Lesion (brain tumour) but not Epilepsy. Ok so for the last ? years it's been Epilepsy but not now, is it no longer that? It is that isn't it?! What is it? I questioned her, 'umm why didn't you tick Epilepsy' 'well it's the tumour that gave you the seizures' 'well yes but I've been told it's caused me to have Epilepsy so why aren't you ticking it you used to tick it?'. She then ticked it and drew a line linking Epilepsy to Space-Occupying Lesion.

I'm so confused! Make up your mind Dr.s. Just tell me what I have! Write it down on a piece of paper in layman's terms so I know what to tick on my forms. Also how do I explain this to people? Epilepsy or not? Should I say 'I have brain tumours so they sparked  seizures but it's not Epilepsy' or do I say 'My brain tumours triggered Epilepsy but because it's caused by brain tumours it's not really Epilepsy but at the same time it is'! Are you confused too?

This is too tricky. I just want to get into bed and hope that when I wake up all of this has just been a dream!





p.s this is a beautiful soundtrack! I find it very calming!

Red Bull does not give you wings!

'So we will steer clear from radiotherapy and chemo for the time being'* 'PARDON' (says the voice inside my head). 'The scans show no change so that's great but will we be monitoring you continually.'

So as you may have gathered from that introduction I saw my neurosurgeon on Tuesday. As usual when I got to the clinic it was jam packed, but only in the section next to the desk, but down the corridor all of the seats were empty and the TV was off. So I wandered down to the end of the corridor, switched on the TV, chose the channel I wanted to watch and turned up the volume so it was audible. As a regular visitor I thought I may as well use the most of what was on offer. Anyway after another 2 hours of waiting to see my amazing Dr. I was finally called into his office. On the MRI report notes he had V.Good written, that was so beautiful to read! The fact that he mentioned radio and chemo therapy again startled me a bit. He had told me last time that it was off the radar but on reflection he didn't say I would never have to have either or both of these treatments. Next MRI is scheduled in 9 months. How on earth are you meant to choose a date that is suitable nine months in advance when you don't even know what you're doing in the coming week? Oh the joys!

Just as I was about to leave I asked whether or not I could go skydiving and bungee jumping. His facial expression showed concern yet, and I will make this well known to my mother that his answer was not a 'no'. He told me he wouldn't recommend it due to those bloody things called seizures, even though I haven't had one in over 4 years but really in the end it's my decision. So what do I do? Take a risk? Live a little? Or do I sit back and watch life go by? We also talked about reducing my medication but that means giving up driving for 3 months and if I have a seizure in those 3 months then we go back to square one. Sometimes it feels like a never ending cycle of down-heartening rules that I need to live by. He then went on to say 'I know we've got you wrapped up in cotton wool but...' In a way I was relieved to hear my surgeon say this because it kind of gave me a bit of justification for those moments when I actually feel trapped by so many things that my condition (terrible word) does to me. No this, no that, minimise this, maximise that. Oh well I'm still here!

I did have a migraine that day, it's the anxiety, the tension the uncertainty of what you will hear when you walk through that door and sit on that uncomfortable chair.

So in summary, even though I had a great night last night sitting on the banks of the river Torrens with some friends listening to The Rolling Stones playing at the Adelaide Oval I'm a bit flat today and you know what, that's OK, because as it is well known by many unless you have these crappy days you don't cherish the good ones.

In other news I currently have clinomania!

*Or something to that effect

387 days later!

So I didn't blog on my 1 year anniversary of having brain surgery! I had every intention of publishing a post that talked about what a milestone this was, how the last year has been, how I feel, what has changed and what has stayed the same but I just never got around to it. Work had been ridiculously busy and I couldn't muster up the energy to type up something. I'm now on school holidays and have a few hours to spare here or there!

So here it goes! 13 months ago there would have been two significant events that I would have thought of if you mentioned September the 11th. On that day in 2005 I hopped on a plane at the tender age of 18 to go and volunteer overseas for 6 months and also on that day in 2001 the horrible tragedy of the World Trade Center occurred. I now have 3 major events to link with that date. September 11, 2013 is when I underwent brain surgery.

387 days later I'm still here! I'm still breathing & singing and doing a few other things.

Since my 1 year anniversary I have had another MRI. It was the first MRI that didn't bring me to tears. Now that in itself folks is another milestone! I have also had an appointment with a Dr. from one of my rehab clinics and that was the last time I need to see her. I'll be seeing my Neurosurgeon in about a month and am praying it is all good news. Anxious as usual!

Last night I saw a show on TV called Brain Hospital: Saving Lives. I only saw half of it but it is basically a show that documents peoples journeys before and after brain surgery. I saw, literally, how they most probably cut through my skull, held my skin back and some other yucky stuff! Apart from those gruesome visuals, watching that show was, in a weird way, a gentle and positive reminder that I'm not alone in this part of the journey. I don't mean alone as in I have no friends and family there for me I mean that I was reminded that there are others who can genuinely empathise for me and I can empathise for them. I'm thinking of you fellow brain tumour bloggers! There's a big difference between sympathy and empathy.

I took the photo below at Brighton Beach this evening. It's a shame photos can't quite capture emotions.

 Psalm 103:12

 Thanks for reading!

Time flies when you've had brain surgery!

Monday marked 11 months since my surgery! That's a crazy truth. During the last couple of weeks I have been playing the days, hours and minutes that I remember before I went into surgery over in my head. I remember the fear, the hope, the uncertainty and the love that was constantly around me. Why do we remember such days and experiences so vividly? I couldn't tell you what I ate for breakfast on Monday but I can tell you the conversation I had with the nurse as I was wheeled into the operating theatre 11 months ago. I remember looking at myself in the mirror after all of the bandaging had been removed and seeing how much hair I'd loss but don't remember what color lipstick I wore yesterday. I remember getting cranky with the nurses who wouldn't let me shut my curtain at night so they could keep an eye on the patient in the bed next to me but not what I gave my sister for her birthday last year. Now obviously the examples that I just listed of what I do remember and what I don't are comparing major vs minor situations and that's probably why I don't remember what my breakfast was, what lipstick I wore or what I got my sister for her birthday. I don't know what the scientific reasoning behind memory is but for now I'll just take the stand that I remember these rather big occurrences as reminders of the journey I'm going through and how far I've come in the last 11 months. I feel the next month will have me thinking a lot more about what happened and at the same time will be quite emotional especially as I am due to have another MRI and see the neurologist to see where things are in September.

In the last year or so I have read many a blog by others who have brain tumors and I have been able to relate in many ways to many of the stories I read. One thing I've found useful and reassuring, albeit in a weird way, was reading other peoples accounts on the highs and lows of being on Keppra and Lamotrigine to control seizures. For me they are a God send of a gift but also a downright pain in the arse. I said to mum a couple of months ago that I do not recall the last time I woke up feeling re-energized (even before surgery). These drugs are draining, I suppose their purpose is to literally slow my brain down from going into overdrive and that they are doing but they also slow me down overall, physically and mentally. When you read the associated risks that come with taking these drugs it's a bit daunting. I realise now that the side effects, mostly tiredness, that I experience when taking this medication are nothing in comparison to some other bloggers who are also on anti seizure medication and have literally had intense suicidal thoughts. However there are other possible side effects, that at this stage in my life I need not worry about but in the next 10 years they may be cause for concern. I constantly and honestly hope that the scientific world will sooner rather than later  discover some magic pill that cures all of this stuff that's happening in my brain without the risk of nasty side effects but hey we're still waiting for hover-boards.

Sometimes I feel like this blog is a bit selfish and that's why I don't blog as much as I did a first. A lot of the other blogs I read by people with brain tumours are having a shit time and here I am just reminiscing on a rather successful surgery. I'm not good or in all honesty really interested in researching diets and genetics and sharing all about them and how they relate to this and that. I suppose I prefer to live a bit naively and try not to stress myself out. Time will tell whether or not that's a good thing. Even though I don't have all of this amazing knowledge to share I'm still hoping, almost wishing, that my blog serves a purpose. I think that purpose could be one of encouragement and every now and then reminding us to keep on going and not give up in a terrible situation. I don't know what this blog's actual purpose is, apart from reflecting on experiences, but if you're reading this and about to have brain surgery or have just been through it I hope there is something amongst all of my blabbering that helps you today or tomorrow.

If you've been following this blog you've probably realised that I'm a softy. I cried when I was listening to a talkback program on the radio talking about the death of Robin Williams and depression. Apart from the horrible way through which he left this world, I didn't really understand at that moment why I was so troubled by his passing. I suppose one of the reasons is that throughout my life he has starred in movies that were some of my childhood favorites and other movies of, one might say, real depth (Mrs. Doubtfire, Good Will Hunting, Dead Poets Society, Jumanji, Aladdin, Hook, Flubber, Patch Adams). However I think, once again, it just hit me how life, and each day in it, is precious. Probably not the best day to watch Patch Adams but this scene reminds me of certain medical professionals that I have encountered over the last few years, good and not so good ( also there's a couple of scenes throughout the movie that remind me of my time in hospital).

In other news, today is my birthday and I am now 27! I keep being reminded that it's just a number.

2400

Hello everyone,

I'm back! I didn't actually go anywhere just haven't had anything to blog about.

Anyway, I have reached a couple of milestones in the last month so thought I would share. The most significant milestone is that my specialist believed that it was time they ended my rehab program. It brought about a mixture of emotions. I was joyful yet saddened, as well as feeling a lot more confident with myself but a bit anxious about facing the rest of the journey on my own, so to speak.

Friday just gone also marked 10 months since I had surgery. Before I know it, it will be 12 months. 

Last night was also a big deal for me. I got back onto the netball court and played a whole game. I was so happy that I finally did it. That was something I had been aiming to do for the last 10 months but had been very anxious about. I was only filling in but hopefully that becomes a regular thing.

On top of this I've made it halfway through the working year. I must admit I still don't know how I've done it. Being on holidays at the moment has been great. I don't usually go away during term holidays, and haven't these holidays either but have had a great time, mainly just catching up with friends.

The following sayings  pretty much summarise the last month of my life.

I disabled my facebook account about a month ago. I recommend giving it a go.

 

 

Have a good day everyone! xoxo

Have fun up there!

I was brought to tears when I read on my Facebook feed this morning that a young boy had lost his battle with cancer on Thursday. His body had been riddled with cancer over the last two years. He wasn't even 4 years old. I didn't know this child but I had been following his journey via the Facebook page his parents had set up. Life is unfair, there's no doubt about it. This kid suffered something that no human being should have to suffer and I ask myself 'Why?'. I don't know why, I'll never know why.

The song below has been on repeat in my head for the last couple of hours. The following lyrics are so powerful when I think about this child.

'I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the Healer collide'

His parents have so much faith in God, for some this must be confusing (and I admit that for a short time it was for me too) when you think about what they have been through. Yet I am assured, just as his parents are, that their child of God is no longer in pain. His story is heartbreaking but faith assures us that he has been set free from the perils of this world. This may sound cliche to you, but know that it is not, for this child has been welcomed into heaven by the the arms of the Lord. Maybe he is resting in peace or maybe he's running around non stop like a lot of little boys do.

For those of us who are stuck in this world of uncertainty regarding our health, let's try our best to keep our chins up.

The P word

I don't know anyone who likes to admit that they have seen this specialist. Maybe it's just an Australian thing, who knows! I think there's this stigma that if you access this service then people see you as if you have no emotional stability and are unable to handle life (rather broad description). I think there is next to no truth in this as I'm pretty sure a lot of us have come to the realization that we can't control a lot of what happens to us in our lives and as this is the case can we have full control on how we feel about certain things? You might say yes but I wouldn't entirely believe you. Different experiences bring different emotions with them and although the way you feel about the same situation might change I beleive there will always be an initial emotional reaction, that we don't choose, that rears its ugly or beautiful head. For example I don't remember being full of joy moments after it was recommended that I should have brain surgery.

Anyway, I realised a month or so ago that over the past 7 months I have been full steam ahead trying to return my life back to whatever normal is. I put 98% of my energy into getting back to work, going to the gym, socializing, gaining my drivers license back and trying to make myself look less like a half shaved two headed zombie, so much so that I tried to push a lot of unwanted emotions away. During my appointment on Monday I was exposed to a way of thinking that explores dealing with clean discomfort and dirty discomfort. Some of you who read this might know all about it but if not and you've done the whole 'I've got no time to feel like this, go away stupid emotion' then maybe check it out.

I'm no expert and never want to be in this field of work so I'll stop there.

Don't think of a pink elephant!*

How'd you go with that?

I failed.

Gut instinct or did you choose not to think of it? ?

See I didn't mention the P word!

Anyway, time to get ready for the second lot of semi finals for Eurovision (yes some of us watch this in Australia and yes we are behind in the broadcast so no spoilers please)

Actually I'd probably prefer to see these guys tonight at the Entertainment Centre (it's sold out dang it)!

* This test might only work if the command is vocal. Like I said, I'm no expert!

Abide With Me

I went to the local dawn service for ANZAC day today. It's such a simple way to show respect for those who fought, and those who continue to serve, for all Australian and New Zealand citizens.

It's days like today that put life back into perspective.

*insert line from a John Mayer song here*

I had another meeting that was draining and makes you ask yourself 'why is this happening to me?' yesterday but last night I didn't worry about a thing. I just enjoyed myself. I went to see John Mayer and loved every single minute of it. I had that feeling where you think to yourself 'if only I felt this amazing all the time'. Well let me tell you, seeing John Mayer can most definitely give you that feeling, not a biased opinion at all. Who would have thought after 10 years he would still be my favourite artist and every time I have seen him, he has played my favourite song, thanks John. Last night's show was just for me (just like every other big John Mayer fan says). I should have proposed then and there. I'm still on a high! Life can be good if you let it be!

I won't do a long winded review but I will tell you he can do a pretty good cover of Beyoncé's XO!

We were only 8 rows back stage left but the photos make it look as if were miles away!

We finally got to see John Mayer together. Only took us 8 years :D

I took so many photos and even though the camera on my ph is pretty good I didn't take many good shots. How do others do it? Is there a course for taking photos with your phone?

We were the happiest 5 girls on planet earth last night! Thanks for the photo Megs

 

 

Beyoncé's XO at the Adelaide Entertainment Centre!

Apparently this is the first time he has performed this cover! Lucky us!

(not my video, I was too busy watching but it's getting spread across the internet)

Graduation

It's been a very long week but thinking about it now makes me realise it was quite a significant one.

Yesterday marked 7 months since surgery! I have no idea where the last 7 months have gone. Having said that I did spend one of them sleeping most of the time, but I'm not sure what filled the other 6 months up. On top of that yesterday was the last day of school for the term (unfortunately it didn't end as one would hope it to end as two 4yr olds were so engrossed in their play that I ended up having to change wet clothing and another teacher had to disinfect the slippery dip). I'm really happy I made it through this term. Retrospectively I shouldn't have gone back to my full workload at the beginning of the term because those first few weeks of work really knocked me around. It was definitely hard and I definitely had moments where I thought I would not make it but I did.

I had a meeting with my boss and my main consultant from my rehabilitation program on Tuesday to discuss next term. Our main focus was trying to explain the type of fatigue that I still feel and how I use almost every break to regain some energy so I can make it through the next lesson. I find brain fatigue a really hard thing to explain, and as my specialist points out, unless you experience it you can't understand it. Anyway, I've been let off of yard duties again this term but I have a sense there are a few people who aren't happy with this. If I muster up the courage my speechy and I will talk a bit about this fatigue during a staff meeting so hopefully these few people won't be grumpy about it, not that I actually care about how they feel about it, because frankly it's not up to them.

After Tuesday's meeting I felt a bit more relaxed about next term but then the thought of Wednesday afternoon was a bit daunting. I yet again had a meeting with my neurologist booked in. I was a bit annoyed that I had to see him because I'd seen my neurosurgeon only a few weeks previously and was given the 'all clear' for the time being so felt like I was just going to see him to have the same thing told to me again. Having to pay $1** to see my neurologist added to the frustration however when I left I no longer cared that I had paid over half a day's pay to see him for 20 minutes. The reason for this was because he told me that he didn't believe it was necessary to continue to make appointments with him as I've been seizure free for just over 4 years and my surgery went well. It was a shock to hear this. I still have to see my neurosurgeon for ? years as he will monitor any change in my tumours but the thought of not having to see my neurologist was hard to comprehend. I've seen this Dr. over the last 6 years plenty of times. He was the one who shocked me 6 years ago telling me I had tumors and epilepsy, then he helped get my seizures under control, he was then the one who suggested that I have a consultation with my neurosurgeon. All of these experiences stirred different feelings from anxiety to rage, not at him, yet I always felt comfortable with what he was saying and trusted him and his suggestions. The thought of not having to see him makes me feels like I have reached another milestone on this long journey. It's also quite a weird thing to accept because there's now room for more uncertainty in where things are headed. I'm going to take the standpoint that things are continually getting better. He made it clear that I am more than welcome to make appointments to see him if I want to and that in itself made me feel calmer about saying goodbye as the appointment ended.

161c per litre

On any other day my response to the person standing behind the cash register who asks me 'How was your day?' would be the scripted 'fine thanks'. However this guy wanted to know more... 'Busy?' 'Yeah' 'What did you do?' *quickly think of an appropriate answer* 'Umm, I had a few appointments' 'Ok'.

How do you tell a stranger you were at your scheduled rehab meetings with a speech pathologist and an activites co-ordinator due to your acquired brain injury? Do you tell them?

I was a bit teary today kiddo but I'm fine!

Today I am thankful for...

As I left my neurosurgeon's office today I got all teary! The tears that were welling up in my eyes were tears of relief. To put it plain and simple, everything is ok! The lesions haven't increased in size and he is really impressed with my recovery.

Today was the shortest appointment I have had with my Neurosurgeon and I only had to wait 40 minutes to see him, fastest time ever. We had a quick look at the MRIs, he asked a few questions, I asked a few and decided when I should have the next MRI. As usual I was quite anxious and he told me to relax, reminding me that our human instinct can be to worry or be anxious before there is anything to worry about. How true is this. I'm going to try very hard not to worry.

The outcome of today's appointment is something that will definitely make it into my gratitude journal tonight!