time for change

I've made a big decision in the last couple of days. For me it's a life changing decision, however me  implementing this decision is dependent on what happens in the next couple of weeks. I hope the next couple of weeks brings my dreams to life but if it doesn't I know what I will do. If I'm to go ahead with Project TakeALeapOfFaith it brings with it a lot of uncertainty and big changes but changes can be exciting right?!

As I finally accepting that this decision is the best one for me. I had all this anger rise up in me. I was  blaming all that hasn't happened for me in the last 3 years on my brain tumours. I honestly feel so hard done by, I've felt like it's held me back from where I want to be in life. I was speaking to my psychologist about this on Friday evening and then she interrupts and says to me 'well is it holding you back now?'. I thought that was rude, all I wanted her to do was agree with me and help me work through this pain but she is right. I have been taken down a path I didn't want to go (hence the title of my blog) but at this point in time it's not the brain tumours holding me back from where I want to be, I'm holding myself back and it's now up to me to take a chance, take a leap, dive into the unknown. That was a revelation!

I was scrolling through Facebook earlier and noticed that someone had liked this status and boy oh boy is it timely.

'You may feel like your dreams have died. Everything is coming against you. Take a new perspective. Nothing in life has happened to you. It has happened for you. God has you in the palm of His hand.'

It's all about faith I suppose!

I'm saddened my what will most probably occur over the next couple of months but deep in my heart I have this sense of peace. 

I'll keep you posted!

In other crazy news I found out on Monday that one of the girls I play netball with underwent a craniotomy 3 years ago. As I joined this team not knowing any of them I didn't know anything about their personal life nor did they of mine. I had found out a couple of months ago that 2 of the girls on the team I play with are nurses on ward 5B - the ward that I was on after surgery, which in itself was crazy but to find out about MsGD was surreal. I have a brain tumour buddy on my netball team.

Oh and lastly, just in case you were wondering, the meeting with my neurosurgeon went well. My next MRI has been bumped out to a year. 

Love and blessings to you all xoxo

Smile

Don't go to bed angry! Perhaps today is your last day on earth and I wouldn't want my last day on earth to be one where I was angry at someone or something. Now saying 'perhaps today is your last day on earth so don't be angry' is something you most probably have heard before but think about it. Honestly think about it. Over the last few months and in particular over the last few weeks, I've thought about it a lot. I think it's part of my healing process. We all watch movies and read stories where an everyday character becomes sick or injured and drops dead the next day. We may shed a tear reading the story or watching the movie but we can mostly suspend out disbelief and get on with life after we've finished reading or watching this fictional story. Yet, what if I was that character in reality? If i dropped dead tomorrow I think it would be a bit hard for some people to pretend it hadn't occurred and get on with life when it has actually happened. Well in all honesty I am partly that character who may drop dead tomorrow and so are you. My point is, no-one can control tomorrow. Not a single human being has the capacity to do this. This might be your last day on earth and not because you've done something wrong, just because.

So to lead on from this point, you may be, as I was and still am, a relatively fit person who isn't all that sure what life will bring them but is thinking about what they might like to do when they retire (hmm I've only worked in my profession for 4 years) but then life throws you a curve ball and the plot twists. My brain tumours have been a pretty big plot twist and heading into surgery and even more so coming out of it I actually realised, not just "known", I have no control on how many days I will be on this earth. Do you get that? It actually makes me quite frustrated when people say 'yeah, yeah I get it' but do they?

When I went into surgery I was trusting a group of random Dr.s and Nurses to operate on my brain. Now what does my brain control? Me! It controls my physical self. Putting my life in the hands of others felt like that they were the ones who could control what happened. I had no control over the surgery and at the same time they had no control over, let's say the weather, who was to know if a bolt of lightning would come pelting through the ceiling and take out my medical team, therefore sending us elsewhere. Does that make sense? I'm actually finding it quite hard to express and I think it may be because it actually a mixture of emotional, physical and spiritual experiences. This realisation has flooded my body. In a way I feel that it is not something that can be fully cognitively understood by reading, it needs to be experienced. We will all experience it one day or another but I think it is really important to acknowledge it starting now. Don't let it stop you making plans for your future or scare you but let it help you live life to the fullest.

I would like to clarify what I mean when I say I'm frustrated when people declare they understand that they may drop dead tomorrow, but say it as if it were a passing comment. It doesn't mean I'm angry, although if I were to look in a dictionary that is probably what frustration means, it means I want people to be thankful and enjoy each day. There are obviously times that you simply cannot enjoy or hours or whatnot but surely there is a window of opportunity each day. Harder said than done I realise but have a go.

I know this post sounds quite negative but through the negativity in it I am trying to encourage you to look for the positives in your life. I don't know what they are for you but I know what mine are and I'm trying my hardest to appreciate them more and smile.

That's enough for today.

Have a great day all.

check this out

The one thing (emphasis on the word one) I like about MRIs is getting to see the images of my brain when I meet with a specialist. It's fascinating. I must admit that at first I wasn't impressed that my brain showed abnormalities but I still find it fascinating to be able to see, to an extent, what my brain looks like.

I've been reading a few blogs by other people who also have Gliomas (one of mine is called a ganglioglioma and I can't remember the name of the other one) and noticed that most of them have posted images from their MRI scans so I thought I'd jump on the bandwagon.

Here you go. Good luck finding the Gliomas! Be aware that these are a just a few images from hundreds that are taken each MRI. These images are from an MRI that was taken in March 2013.