Ruhe in Frieden Tassi!

So this morning, as usual, I logged onto the faceybook to scroll through the news feed. I noticed that one of my peers from high school had posted a couple of old photos of him and some mates. Usually I wouldn't think much of this but only a week ago a group of us had caught up for coffee and talked about someone who we went to high school with who had been suffering from cancer over the last couple of years.  This guy with cancer was in these newly posted photos. Due to the fact that our conversation about him was sort of fresh in my mind I wondered if he had passed away. Turns out he has. Whilst I was never close to this guy I am saddened by his passing and I feel for those who were close to him. A week ago I experienced the loss of a close friend so I can relate to the sadness they must be feeling. I was in shock when I found out about my friend. He lives (I'm finding it hard to use past tense) in Germany and I had known him since 2005. I stupidly went to my messages to see the last conversation we had and then ended up scrolling and scrolling back through the messages. I never made it to the beginning because man had we chatted a lot over the last 11 years, we shared our highs and lows with one another. Both times I have been back to Germany I went and saw him. The last time I saw him we agreed we'd see each other again in 2 years time as that seemed to be the reoccurring pattern. That was 4 years ago and then life got in the way, brain tumours got in the way! F*** you brain tumours! He was taken too soon. Life can be a bitch, a cold hearted bitch!

On new years eve I was sent a lovely message that helped me look forward and become partially excited about the year where I hit the big three-oh, this year. I was upbeat & optimistic on new years day and then then that evening, the beginning of this exciting new year, facebook punched me in the gut! Over the last week I've thought about how this is going to influence my year. Initially I said 'great another fucking shit year ahead' but I think about how my friend would approach this situation. Yes he'd cry and stay in bed all day like I did but he'd also not let it stop him from enjoying his whole bloody year. Who would be so stupid?! So I'm going to treasure the moments that are joyous, that are fun and look forward to the moments when you snort because you're laughing so hard. My friend was determined to make the most of life. He faced more obstacles in his life than a lot of us put together but that did not stop him. So whilst my year has not started off in great joy I look forward to the glimmers of hope and I'll take in the moments that remind me how I'm so lucky to be here. Although I'm feeling sad and I know that life is not fair, once again I need to make sure that I make the most of it. I've got a few things I need to do this year!


Here's a soppy John Mayer song to listen to. Says it all really!

Rest in peace Tassi! xoxo

Confidence

Hello fellow Brain Tumour Bloggers and to anyone else who reads this. I hope this post finds you in good spirits. I've been wanting to post all day and have been thinking about what I should post but even as I type this I'm still not really sure what the end product will really be about.

Health wise I don't have anything to report on apart from a few really nasty migraines and a few panic moments when I thought I was going to have a seizure. I blame those silly moments on my über tiredness that work is providing me with. My next MRI is getting closer, June, and as usual I try not to think about that.

Today is Good Friday and personally I find Easter the most important time in the Christian calendar. I remember a few years ago on a Good Friday I rocked up to my usual church and just questioned Easter and therefore Christianity as I sat there and heard the same story again. 'Like seriously, this is ridiculous! Some guy a couple of thousand years ago dies on a cross and now I'm saved. What am I saved from? Oh and yeah, then he rises from the dead and drifts on up into "heaven"!' these were the types of thoughts that went through my mind when I sat in church that Good Friday morning. I spoke to a friend after the service and moaned to her about how when we talk about it logically the whole story is ridiculous. We'd been told this story since our birth, it was ingrained in us, the names of the people and the places and the concepts of sin and grace were things we just knew. She agreed but whilst we were talking about it she eventually reminded me, as Os Guinness writes, "If ours is an examined faith, we should be unafraid to doubt. If doubt is eventually justified, we were believing what clearly was not worth believing. But if doubt is answered, our faith has grown stronger. It knows God more certainly and it can enjoy God more deeply."

Anyway I'm still a bit unsure where this is headed but I know that the doubt that bombarded me all those years ago on Good Friday most definitely led me to strengthening my faith and as I mention in previous posts, pre-surgery posts, my faith has helped me a lot over the last couple of years. There are days where I am afraid of what will show up on the MRI, in fact I'm always worried by that, or I'll have a seizure but my faith brings me hope and offers me peace.

Last weekend I was at a church and the sermon talked briefly about having the confidence on your last day on earth that God loves you and you are saved by grace. Talking about one's last day on earth is not something that I am afraid of yet at the same time not one that I would regularly wish to converse about. One reason is because pre-surgery I felt very vulnerable to the fact that I may experience my last day on earth before surgery and didn't want that to be the case, not because of fear but because there is so much more that I wish to do and see. I have thought about the words of that sermon over the last week and whilst I know that life with a brain tumour, or two, brings with it a lot of uncertainty about one's time on earth, even after successful surgery, I am confident that whatever day is my last day on earth I am loved by God and saved by grace.

I love reading other Brain Tumour Bloggers blogs, they help, encourage and inspire me. I suppose it's the one positive thing about having and following blogs about brain tumours. This post doesn't offer any information about therapies or the latest research into brain tumours but through this post I wish to wish everyone and anyone who reads this a blessed Easter weekend. Smile, laugh, show and accept love and make sure you eat a hot cross bun or three!

There are few modern day worships songs that really resonate with me, the one I have I shared below is one of those.

You were as I
Tempted and tried
Human

Romans 5:6-10

For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life.

Prayer warrior!

The last blog I wrote was about enjoying every day as if it was your last. My grandma did just that. She died peacefully in her sleep on Tuesday night. That is how she wanted to die and I am so grateful I did not have to see her die in pain. It was an unexpected death and I miss her dearly. I knew she was always there for me, always. She had so many stories to share, loved a cup of weak black tea and watched every tennis tournament that she could. 

She prayed for everyone in her family every single day. She was a prayer warrior and that has meant so much to me over the last couple of years.

Grandma was on a fair dose of pain relief due to some ailments that effected her mobility and a few other things but the last time I saw and spoke to her she was bright and bubbly. I always found it funny how grandma and I could have conversations with each other about our ridiculously long waiting times to see Dr.s and what medications we were on.

I love my Grandma and I know that she is in heaven. She is able to rest in peace but I know that she is also having a blast up there.

I love you Grandma!