Are you crazy?

So a couple of weeks ago I posted about a big "life changing decision" that I had made and when and if I would go ahead with it. Well I have done it. To be honest I made a big hoo-ha over something that for most people could quite possibly be a 'meh' decision. Anyway I resigned from my job. From a permanent teaching job! For those of you that don't know, it's been really tricky to get a teaching job in my little city over the last few years and it still is, but I had come to a point where I no longer enjoyed what I was doing. I've been in a role that I never thought I would be and in the last 18 months it's gone from what was a security blanket to me to something that I drag myself out of bed for and hope to make it through the day. I know where my passion lies, I know what I want to do and have been called to do and although I leave this job with no job lined up in a way it's exciting. The main reason I posted about this was due to the fact that it relates to mental health. My mental health was suffering. I knew that and so did a few people that were around me. As I've learnt over the last few years being healthy isn't just about being healthy physically but about being mentally and spiritually healthy. I want to be an all round healthy person and I'm taking action to do that. No doubt there will be a few 'ahhh crap, what have I done?' moments over the next few months but like I posted about previously I know this is the right decision.

I've been surprised by some people's reactions. The majority of people have congratulated me on taking this 'bold step' and I wonder why. I'm still not 100% sure but as one of my dear colleagues said to me 'Sometimes where we end up is not due to us being lucky, but by us taking those risks, leaving a comfort zone and us working for what we get.  Sometimes we make our luck, luck doesn't just happen.' (or something like that but you get the idea.)

Anyway, do what makes you happy folks. Ask yourself 'What's right for my mental health?' and maybe just take that leap of faith.

Blessings xoxo

time for change

I've made a big decision in the last couple of days. For me it's a life changing decision, however me  implementing this decision is dependent on what happens in the next couple of weeks. I hope the next couple of weeks brings my dreams to life but if it doesn't I know what I will do. If I'm to go ahead with Project TakeALeapOfFaith it brings with it a lot of uncertainty and big changes but changes can be exciting right?!

As I finally accepting that this decision is the best one for me. I had all this anger rise up in me. I was  blaming all that hasn't happened for me in the last 3 years on my brain tumours. I honestly feel so hard done by, I've felt like it's held me back from where I want to be in life. I was speaking to my psychologist about this on Friday evening and then she interrupts and says to me 'well is it holding you back now?'. I thought that was rude, all I wanted her to do was agree with me and help me work through this pain but she is right. I have been taken down a path I didn't want to go (hence the title of my blog) but at this point in time it's not the brain tumours holding me back from where I want to be, I'm holding myself back and it's now up to me to take a chance, take a leap, dive into the unknown. That was a revelation!

I was scrolling through Facebook earlier and noticed that someone had liked this status and boy oh boy is it timely.

'You may feel like your dreams have died. Everything is coming against you. Take a new perspective. Nothing in life has happened to you. It has happened for you. God has you in the palm of His hand.'

It's all about faith I suppose!

I'm saddened my what will most probably occur over the next couple of months but deep in my heart I have this sense of peace. 

I'll keep you posted!

In other crazy news I found out on Monday that one of the girls I play netball with underwent a craniotomy 3 years ago. As I joined this team not knowing any of them I didn't know anything about their personal life nor did they of mine. I had found out a couple of months ago that 2 of the girls on the team I play with are nurses on ward 5B - the ward that I was on after surgery, which in itself was crazy but to find out about MsGD was surreal. I have a brain tumour buddy on my netball team.

Oh and lastly, just in case you were wondering, the meeting with my neurosurgeon went well. My next MRI has been bumped out to a year. 

Love and blessings to you all xoxo

Confidence

Hello fellow Brain Tumour Bloggers and to anyone else who reads this. I hope this post finds you in good spirits. I've been wanting to post all day and have been thinking about what I should post but even as I type this I'm still not really sure what the end product will really be about.

Health wise I don't have anything to report on apart from a few really nasty migraines and a few panic moments when I thought I was going to have a seizure. I blame those silly moments on my über tiredness that work is providing me with. My next MRI is getting closer, June, and as usual I try not to think about that.

Today is Good Friday and personally I find Easter the most important time in the Christian calendar. I remember a few years ago on a Good Friday I rocked up to my usual church and just questioned Easter and therefore Christianity as I sat there and heard the same story again. 'Like seriously, this is ridiculous! Some guy a couple of thousand years ago dies on a cross and now I'm saved. What am I saved from? Oh and yeah, then he rises from the dead and drifts on up into "heaven"!' these were the types of thoughts that went through my mind when I sat in church that Good Friday morning. I spoke to a friend after the service and moaned to her about how when we talk about it logically the whole story is ridiculous. We'd been told this story since our birth, it was ingrained in us, the names of the people and the places and the concepts of sin and grace were things we just knew. She agreed but whilst we were talking about it she eventually reminded me, as Os Guinness writes, "If ours is an examined faith, we should be unafraid to doubt. If doubt is eventually justified, we were believing what clearly was not worth believing. But if doubt is answered, our faith has grown stronger. It knows God more certainly and it can enjoy God more deeply."

Anyway I'm still a bit unsure where this is headed but I know that the doubt that bombarded me all those years ago on Good Friday most definitely led me to strengthening my faith and as I mention in previous posts, pre-surgery posts, my faith has helped me a lot over the last couple of years. There are days where I am afraid of what will show up on the MRI, in fact I'm always worried by that, or I'll have a seizure but my faith brings me hope and offers me peace.

Last weekend I was at a church and the sermon talked briefly about having the confidence on your last day on earth that God loves you and you are saved by grace. Talking about one's last day on earth is not something that I am afraid of yet at the same time not one that I would regularly wish to converse about. One reason is because pre-surgery I felt very vulnerable to the fact that I may experience my last day on earth before surgery and didn't want that to be the case, not because of fear but because there is so much more that I wish to do and see. I have thought about the words of that sermon over the last week and whilst I know that life with a brain tumour, or two, brings with it a lot of uncertainty about one's time on earth, even after successful surgery, I am confident that whatever day is my last day on earth I am loved by God and saved by grace.

I love reading other Brain Tumour Bloggers blogs, they help, encourage and inspire me. I suppose it's the one positive thing about having and following blogs about brain tumours. This post doesn't offer any information about therapies or the latest research into brain tumours but through this post I wish to wish everyone and anyone who reads this a blessed Easter weekend. Smile, laugh, show and accept love and make sure you eat a hot cross bun or three!

There are few modern day worships songs that really resonate with me, the one I have I shared below is one of those.

You were as I
Tempted and tried
Human

Romans 5:6-10

For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life.

Have fun up there!

I was brought to tears when I read on my Facebook feed this morning that a young boy had lost his battle with cancer on Thursday. His body had been riddled with cancer over the last two years. He wasn't even 4 years old. I didn't know this child but I had been following his journey via the Facebook page his parents had set up. Life is unfair, there's no doubt about it. This kid suffered something that no human being should have to suffer and I ask myself 'Why?'. I don't know why, I'll never know why.

The song below has been on repeat in my head for the last couple of hours. The following lyrics are so powerful when I think about this child.

'I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the Healer collide'

His parents have so much faith in God, for some this must be confusing (and I admit that for a short time it was for me too) when you think about what they have been through. Yet I am assured, just as his parents are, that their child of God is no longer in pain. His story is heartbreaking but faith assures us that he has been set free from the perils of this world. This may sound cliche to you, but know that it is not, for this child has been welcomed into heaven by the the arms of the Lord. Maybe he is resting in peace or maybe he's running around non stop like a lot of little boys do.

For those of us who are stuck in this world of uncertainty regarding our health, let's try our best to keep our chins up.

I've got this

It fascinates me how concerned about me some of the Dr.s and my immediate family were the first week after my surgery. I personally knew I was ok but they didn't. It's weird. I think talking about it with others now is interesting and can be quite amusing. My mum told me she knew I was OK the first time I turned on the TV and saw an add for a top end hairdressing salon and I then pointed to my partially shaved head and jokingly said '$20,000'. Apparently it made her smile for a few days.

On another note I also think about how painful it must be for those who know that cognitively they understand everything but they simply cannot make themselves verbally understood to others due to brain injuries or impairments they were born with. It saddens me and was actually one of my biggest fears that I may end up like that.

I'm grateful.

It's time!

I'm not lying when I say the last few days have been hard. I have cried, I have been really angry a few times, I am generally scared and had a few yucky "what if" moments but I think that's all normal.

Tomorrow is the day (refer to previous posts if you're not sure what I'm talking about). It's almost 11pm and I've set my alarm for 5:30am. I'm feeling ok. I'm not feeling great, I'm definitely not excited but I WILL BE OK! Yes I say this with passion. Why? Well, today when people have said to me 'I hope it goes well' I have replied 'It WILL'. because I have been reminded of Mark 11: 24 ' Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe you have received it and it will be yours.' so what so you think I have been praying for and what does this verse mean for me right now? It means that all will go well. Now I'm def not the best when it comes to talking about my faith and I know many of you who may read this may not have faith in Christ but I wanted to point something out. I have heard so many times people say to me "you are so strong, you are so brave, I couldn't hold myself together like you are etc etc" but I confess that it is not my personal strength that is getting me through this time but my strength that comes from my faith in God. Without this, I would not have been able to get out of bed every day over the last few months. Don't get me wrong, there has been times when all I have wanted to do, or actually done, is shake my fist at the heavens in anger but that does me no good. I have no control over the world or what happens but I have faith in God and need to remember that God  'commanded [me] to be strong and brave. Don't ever be afraid or discouraged! [for He] is the Lord [my] God and will be there to help me wherever [I] go.' Johsua 1:9. Is that mindboggling? Does that seem just weird? Yes! Will I fail at what I am told to do? From time to time yes I will, but God's love is unfailing, honestly.

Just before I started finishing this blog I started listening to a Podcast about healing and this verse was referred to. I find it rather fitting.

3 John 1:2

Dear friend, I’m praying that all is well with you and that you enjoy good health in the same way that you prosper spiritually.

This song has helped me sleep lately. I will play it as I turn off the light shortly.I find the story behind this song so moving, perhaps you will too.

Now it's almost 12!

Night x

Oh and here's another song that has helped me... because I can share it!

This is what I signed up for!

I wrote this a couple of months back when this issue first came up. Taken me a while to share. It's a bit scary! It's all happening on the 2nd of September, or you could say 6 days time.

I’m having brain surgery! Yes you read that correctly! Why? Well it’s quite complicated but I’d like to share.I’m writing this blog for a number of reasons, one of them so that, if you wish, you can keep you up to date with how I am going and what is going on. Now this entry could be quite long so you might want to go get yourself a cup of tea before sitting down and reading all of this. Off you go.....ready?....ok, let’s go! I just want to warn that what you may read here may shock some of you but I’m not good at writing or talking about this issue in a way that doesn’t shock some people, in fact I don’t think that is possible and sometimes I just spontaneously burst into tears when I talk about it so I decided to type it out. Don’t worry I’ll leave the gooey details out, there hasn’t been that many, yet!

‘Where do I start?’, that’s always the question I ask myself when talking about this and I suppose the best part to start is at the beginning.  It was 2008, third year Uni and I think it was a friday night. Mum and I had gone up to Foodland to pick up my sister from work. I was sitting there talking, then mum was talking and I was listening, then mum asked me a question but I didn’t hear and comprehend it properly and so I didn’t respond I just sat there, she asked me again, no response again. I don’t remember how long mum tried to get a response out of me but I do remember she had her hand on my shoulder for what I thought was a millisecond, I later found out she had actually been shaking me for quite some time yet I didn’t feel it at all. A few minutes later I was talking as if nothing had happened, I felt a bit weird but mum was concerned with what she had just experienced. This had happened to me before, I didn’t think much of it I thought I had just “zoned” out for a few seconds because I was really tired. All was fine to me, I told mum she was being silly, because she was really worried, I tried to assure her I was just tired. Shortly after  that, the headache came.  No, not a headache, it was like I already had a headache but to make it worse someone had decided to slam my head against the wall. You might just say migraine, but I say it was more than that because I get migraines and this ain’t no migraine. Now I had had these head slamming headaches before and strangely they had also occurred at times when I had “zoned out”. I didn’t put the two and two together. As far as I was aware nobody had ever noticed me “zoning out” although later on, after diagnosis, I recalled a few odd looks people had given me during these “zone out” periods at work. I worked at a baby store and I just assumed these weird looks were because I was serving pregnant ladies and they were shocked at the thought of me trying to sell them a pram worth $1,200 or a car seat worth $500! I was wrong.

To my utter disgust mum took me to Flinders Emergency. I was furious with her because I thought I was fine! When there was someone finally free to see us the doctor tested for all sorts of things, mum described what she had seen and I described what I’d felt. He didn’t diagnose anything there but told me he wanted me to have a CT scan and wrote a letter to my GP. I still remember that doctor, not his name, but his gentle nature. Although in someway it is thanks to him that I am now having neurosurgery if it wasn’t for him who knows what would have happened if what I’m about to describe wasn’t detected at the time. I am really grateful to have had that doctor see me that night. Now my friends who are doctors may say ‘oh they would have all done the same thing’ but I would beg to differ, there was something special about this man. So whoever you and wherever you are thanks and God bless you.

So rather confused I had the CT scan and then shortly after went to see my GP. She told me I was to have an MRI and still confused as to why, I played along. Now if anyone reading this has had an MRI of their head done they will know it is not the most pleasant experience. For me they are terrifying and seem to get worse every-time I have them, which lately has been rather frequently. If I was to describe the thoughts, how it physically feels and the emotions that occur when I have an MRI scan then we would be here for another 2 hours. Anyway, then came the results of the scan and the results = a visit to a neurologist! “Huh?”, now I was starting to get a bit anxious. Mum and I went along, and before he even told me anything he was tapping me here there and everywhere to test my reflexes then my eyes had to follow his fingers and a bunch of other stuff. Then came business time. He showed me the scans and I thought ‘yup that’s my brain, cool and...’. He pointed out something, something that was unusual. In fact he pointed out two unusual “things”. Now I have no idea what the proper names of these peculiar spots are but he explained them to me as being “lesions/tumours”. He told me they weren’t big, which was obvious by looking at the scans, but they could be the reason behind my “zoning out”. Now from here on there is a better way of describing my moments of “zoning out” and that would be to say that I was actually having seizures, epileptic seizures. ‘PARDON?! Epilepsy?’ FUCK! SHIT! WHAT THE HELL! NO! THAT’S NOT CORRECT! That is I wanted to scream out loud but instead I just sat there in shock. Mum asked the questions whilst I just sat there unsure if I had heard correctly.

I left the neurologist's office and I thought I had just been dreaming and what I had heard was not real but this was not the case and over the next few years I struggled with accepting the fact that I had/have epilepsy. I think I went through the 5 stages of grief every single day for the first year and within the first few months of beginning told got quite caught up in the stages of denial and anger, expected I suppose. Now when you say epilepsy some people freak out or get a bit squeamish and that’s ok. I was one of those people and I forgive you if you just freaked out to. I too had stereotyped this “thing” that could possible hinder one’s life. The main reason to this was because I was only really aware/been exposed to tonic clonic seizures and a very servere case of this when I worked overseas. There are many types of seizures that fall under the category of Epilepsy. I have Complex Partial Epilepsy. It’s best if you look it up if you want to know more but it’s also good to know that I don’t show all of the “signs” of complex partial epilepsy, everyone’s case is different and if you really know me you will know that I have not let this condition hinder me in the years since being diagnosed, nor will I let it!

The next two years were hard, firstly I had to finish Uni whilst my body was adapting to drugs that made me super tired. My dosage kept changing as the seizures weren’t under control and in the meantime I had a car accident, got lost in Paris (I still love that city), pretty sure I freaked out some person selling me tickets to a show when I was on holiday in Qld and a whole lot of other not very nice things happened to me. Yet the worst thing of all was that I kept this all hidden up. I told only a handful of people what I was going though and for some of you, even though you may have known me this whole time, this will also be the first time that you hear about what I had been diagnosed with and what I was going through and that has been a rookie mistake. I needed support but I thought I needed to get over it and I thought I was being selfish to share my woes and cry on someone else's shoulder as I told myself ‘I’m still better off than a lot of other people’ . It is true that I am better off than a lot of people, even in better health than millions of people throughout the world but even though this is the case the point is my issue was important to me and I needed help and that was ok. I would stress to anyone who has had the same “I’ll be ok, my problem is insignificant in comparison to others” thoughts to rethink that. If it’s important to you, then it is important and it’s ok to ask people around you for support. That’s also one of the reasons I am writing this because I am asking for your prayers and support as, as you can imagine, I’m pretty scared and may occasionally need to debrief with someone or cry on someone’s shoulder.

Now that we know the background story we’ll go back to the surgery. You might be wondering why only five years later, after being seizure free for over three years, do I now need to have brain surgery. Are you asking yourself ‘why didn’t they do it earlier?’. Well to put it simply, every year I have check-up MRI scans to keep track of these little tumors and all had been merry but recently these scans have been more frequent because in the last year one has decided to try and kick me back down to the ground by growing. Until the last couple of months the neurologist and neurosurgeon didn’t want to do anything because I was/am in good health and they didn’t believe it was worth the risk of the operation to find out what it is. Now I need to clarify that this surgery isn’t to remove the tumor, rather it is to simply take a biopsy and see what the next step is to stop it causing damage! It’s one bloody big operation for a biopsy hey! The tumour is still not large, about the size of my thumbnail, but as it is slowly growing it is the location that is the becoming the major cause for concern. My basic understanding is it’s where the brain fluid drains from, the optic nerves cross over and the pituitary gland is not far off. It’s pretty much one of the hardest and most dangerous spots in the brain to operate on! Put simply this biopsy surgery could impact my vision and possible give me short term memory loss (that’s all I’ve really been told and all I really want to know, I think). The other tumour is just sitting there, in a completely different spot, no change.

I’m not sure of the date of surgery yet but I will share the details I do know about the surgery. The surgery will take about 4 hours, in order to do it they need to shave some of my hair off, and I am really upset about that and yes I know it will grow back but I’m still sad about it. At least there is quite a few cool half shaved head, with long hair on the other side hairstyles out there at the moment. I’ll be searching for some nice headbands and practicing some side braids as well especially at first with my massive scar (3cm back from hairline and from the middle of my head down to under the ear, left side of head) After surgery I will be in the hospital for about 10 days and then there will be a 6-8 week recovery period at home. I’m not sure what this recovery period will allow me to or not do but when I have a clearer understanding I will let you know. I’m really going to miss playing sport :( BUT before you know it I will be up and running, well I hate running, but playing netball,basketball and going to the gym as well as constantly talking about music even to people who don’t care for music at all (sorry) and finding gigs to go to and planning my next overseas adventure, I’m thinking NZ this time!

To close this all, if I wasn’t a teacher I would be a professional traveller and if for some weird reason Lonely Planet declined my job application then I would want to work in the music industry. Having said that I’ll share some music when I write these blogs that help me get though times like this and may help you at any time. My favourite musician is John Mayer, he didn’t just write Your Body is a Wonderland ppl, so I will share one of his songs with you today. I wrote to one of my best friends the other week and she agrees with me that John wrote this song just for me :). It’s called The Heart of Life. I hope you have tissues nearby!

I would also like to share some thoughts/quotes/verses occasionally that encourage me and may do the same for you.

    ‘Whatever is happening in your life, don’t pre-occupy yourself with the question WHY? But rather ponder more on to WHERE these events will be bringing you. Know you are being led to somewhere beautiful, beyond your present harsh reality. Once you get to the WHERE, then you’ll know the WHY. Trust the process.”     Unknown

 I am the Lord your God. I am holding your hand, so don’t be afraid. I am here to help you. Isaiah 41:13 CEV

Well that’s it folks, thanks for reading. I ask for your prayers and positive thoughts. I have strong faith that not only am I in great professional care but that God has been and is looking after me every step of this journey.

I will keep you updated and when I am unable to blog my beautiful sister has agreed to post for me.

God bless,

Cass x