Smile

Don't go to bed angry! Perhaps today is your last day on earth and I wouldn't want my last day on earth to be one where I was angry at someone or something. Now saying 'perhaps today is your last day on earth so don't be angry' is something you most probably have heard before but think about it. Honestly think about it. Over the last few months and in particular over the last few weeks, I've thought about it a lot. I think it's part of my healing process. We all watch movies and read stories where an everyday character becomes sick or injured and drops dead the next day. We may shed a tear reading the story or watching the movie but we can mostly suspend out disbelief and get on with life after we've finished reading or watching this fictional story. Yet, what if I was that character in reality? If i dropped dead tomorrow I think it would be a bit hard for some people to pretend it hadn't occurred and get on with life when it has actually happened. Well in all honesty I am partly that character who may drop dead tomorrow and so are you. My point is, no-one can control tomorrow. Not a single human being has the capacity to do this. This might be your last day on earth and not because you've done something wrong, just because.

So to lead on from this point, you may be, as I was and still am, a relatively fit person who isn't all that sure what life will bring them but is thinking about what they might like to do when they retire (hmm I've only worked in my profession for 4 years) but then life throws you a curve ball and the plot twists. My brain tumours have been a pretty big plot twist and heading into surgery and even more so coming out of it I actually realised, not just "known", I have no control on how many days I will be on this earth. Do you get that? It actually makes me quite frustrated when people say 'yeah, yeah I get it' but do they?

When I went into surgery I was trusting a group of random Dr.s and Nurses to operate on my brain. Now what does my brain control? Me! It controls my physical self. Putting my life in the hands of others felt like that they were the ones who could control what happened. I had no control over the surgery and at the same time they had no control over, let's say the weather, who was to know if a bolt of lightning would come pelting through the ceiling and take out my medical team, therefore sending us elsewhere. Does that make sense? I'm actually finding it quite hard to express and I think it may be because it actually a mixture of emotional, physical and spiritual experiences. This realisation has flooded my body. In a way I feel that it is not something that can be fully cognitively understood by reading, it needs to be experienced. We will all experience it one day or another but I think it is really important to acknowledge it starting now. Don't let it stop you making plans for your future or scare you but let it help you live life to the fullest.

I would like to clarify what I mean when I say I'm frustrated when people declare they understand that they may drop dead tomorrow, but say it as if it were a passing comment. It doesn't mean I'm angry, although if I were to look in a dictionary that is probably what frustration means, it means I want people to be thankful and enjoy each day. There are obviously times that you simply cannot enjoy or hours or whatnot but surely there is a window of opportunity each day. Harder said than done I realise but have a go.

I know this post sounds quite negative but through the negativity in it I am trying to encourage you to look for the positives in your life. I don't know what they are for you but I know what mine are and I'm trying my hardest to appreciate them more and smile.

That's enough for today.

Have a great day all.