Have fun up there!

I was brought to tears when I read on my Facebook feed this morning that a young boy had lost his battle with cancer on Thursday. His body had been riddled with cancer over the last two years. He wasn't even 4 years old. I didn't know this child but I had been following his journey via the Facebook page his parents had set up. Life is unfair, there's no doubt about it. This kid suffered something that no human being should have to suffer and I ask myself 'Why?'. I don't know why, I'll never know why.

The song below has been on repeat in my head for the last couple of hours. The following lyrics are so powerful when I think about this child.

'I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the Healer collide'

His parents have so much faith in God, for some this must be confusing (and I admit that for a short time it was for me too) when you think about what they have been through. Yet I am assured, just as his parents are, that their child of God is no longer in pain. His story is heartbreaking but faith assures us that he has been set free from the perils of this world. This may sound cliche to you, but know that it is not, for this child has been welcomed into heaven by the the arms of the Lord. Maybe he is resting in peace or maybe he's running around non stop like a lot of little boys do.

For those of us who are stuck in this world of uncertainty regarding our health, let's try our best to keep our chins up.

The P word

I don't know anyone who likes to admit that they have seen this specialist. Maybe it's just an Australian thing, who knows! I think there's this stigma that if you access this service then people see you as if you have no emotional stability and are unable to handle life (rather broad description). I think there is next to no truth in this as I'm pretty sure a lot of us have come to the realization that we can't control a lot of what happens to us in our lives and as this is the case can we have full control on how we feel about certain things? You might say yes but I wouldn't entirely believe you. Different experiences bring different emotions with them and although the way you feel about the same situation might change I beleive there will always be an initial emotional reaction, that we don't choose, that rears its ugly or beautiful head. For example I don't remember being full of joy moments after it was recommended that I should have brain surgery.

Anyway, I realised a month or so ago that over the past 7 months I have been full steam ahead trying to return my life back to whatever normal is. I put 98% of my energy into getting back to work, going to the gym, socializing, gaining my drivers license back and trying to make myself look less like a half shaved two headed zombie, so much so that I tried to push a lot of unwanted emotions away. During my appointment on Monday I was exposed to a way of thinking that explores dealing with clean discomfort and dirty discomfort. Some of you who read this might know all about it but if not and you've done the whole 'I've got no time to feel like this, go away stupid emotion' then maybe check it out.

I'm no expert and never want to be in this field of work so I'll stop there.

Don't think of a pink elephant!*

How'd you go with that?

I failed.

Gut instinct or did you choose not to think of it? ?

See I didn't mention the P word!

Anyway, time to get ready for the second lot of semi finals for Eurovision (yes some of us watch this in Australia and yes we are behind in the broadcast so no spoilers please)

Actually I'd probably prefer to see these guys tonight at the Entertainment Centre (it's sold out dang it)!

* This test might only work if the command is vocal. Like I said, I'm no expert!

Abide With Me

I went to the local dawn service for ANZAC day today. It's such a simple way to show respect for those who fought, and those who continue to serve, for all Australian and New Zealand citizens.

It's days like today that put life back into perspective.

*insert line from a John Mayer song here*

I had another meeting that was draining and makes you ask yourself 'why is this happening to me?' yesterday but last night I didn't worry about a thing. I just enjoyed myself. I went to see John Mayer and loved every single minute of it. I had that feeling where you think to yourself 'if only I felt this amazing all the time'. Well let me tell you, seeing John Mayer can most definitely give you that feeling, not a biased opinion at all. Who would have thought after 10 years he would still be my favourite artist and every time I have seen him, he has played my favourite song, thanks John. Last night's show was just for me (just like every other big John Mayer fan says). I should have proposed then and there. I'm still on a high! Life can be good if you let it be!

I won't do a long winded review but I will tell you he can do a pretty good cover of Beyoncé's XO!

We were only 8 rows back stage left but the photos make it look as if were miles away!

We finally got to see John Mayer together. Only took us 8 years :D

I took so many photos and even though the camera on my ph is pretty good I didn't take many good shots. How do others do it? Is there a course for taking photos with your phone?

We were the happiest 5 girls on planet earth last night! Thanks for the photo Megs

 

 

Beyoncé's XO at the Adelaide Entertainment Centre!

Apparently this is the first time he has performed this cover! Lucky us!

(not my video, I was too busy watching but it's getting spread across the internet)

Graduation

It's been a very long week but thinking about it now makes me realise it was quite a significant one.

Yesterday marked 7 months since surgery! I have no idea where the last 7 months have gone. Having said that I did spend one of them sleeping most of the time, but I'm not sure what filled the other 6 months up. On top of that yesterday was the last day of school for the term (unfortunately it didn't end as one would hope it to end as two 4yr olds were so engrossed in their play that I ended up having to change wet clothing and another teacher had to disinfect the slippery dip). I'm really happy I made it through this term. Retrospectively I shouldn't have gone back to my full workload at the beginning of the term because those first few weeks of work really knocked me around. It was definitely hard and I definitely had moments where I thought I would not make it but I did.

I had a meeting with my boss and my main consultant from my rehabilitation program on Tuesday to discuss next term. Our main focus was trying to explain the type of fatigue that I still feel and how I use almost every break to regain some energy so I can make it through the next lesson. I find brain fatigue a really hard thing to explain, and as my specialist points out, unless you experience it you can't understand it. Anyway, I've been let off of yard duties again this term but I have a sense there are a few people who aren't happy with this. If I muster up the courage my speechy and I will talk a bit about this fatigue during a staff meeting so hopefully these few people won't be grumpy about it, not that I actually care about how they feel about it, because frankly it's not up to them.

After Tuesday's meeting I felt a bit more relaxed about next term but then the thought of Wednesday afternoon was a bit daunting. I yet again had a meeting with my neurologist booked in. I was a bit annoyed that I had to see him because I'd seen my neurosurgeon only a few weeks previously and was given the 'all clear' for the time being so felt like I was just going to see him to have the same thing told to me again. Having to pay $1** to see my neurologist added to the frustration however when I left I no longer cared that I had paid over half a day's pay to see him for 20 minutes. The reason for this was because he told me that he didn't believe it was necessary to continue to make appointments with him as I've been seizure free for just over 4 years and my surgery went well. It was a shock to hear this. I still have to see my neurosurgeon for ? years as he will monitor any change in my tumours but the thought of not having to see my neurologist was hard to comprehend. I've seen this Dr. over the last 6 years plenty of times. He was the one who shocked me 6 years ago telling me I had tumors and epilepsy, then he helped get my seizures under control, he was then the one who suggested that I have a consultation with my neurosurgeon. All of these experiences stirred different feelings from anxiety to rage, not at him, yet I always felt comfortable with what he was saying and trusted him and his suggestions. The thought of not having to see him makes me feels like I have reached another milestone on this long journey. It's also quite a weird thing to accept because there's now room for more uncertainty in where things are headed. I'm going to take the standpoint that things are continually getting better. He made it clear that I am more than welcome to make appointments to see him if I want to and that in itself made me feel calmer about saying goodbye as the appointment ended.

161c per litre

On any other day my response to the person standing behind the cash register who asks me 'How was your day?' would be the scripted 'fine thanks'. However this guy wanted to know more... 'Busy?' 'Yeah' 'What did you do?' *quickly think of an appropriate answer* 'Umm, I had a few appointments' 'Ok'.

How do you tell a stranger you were at your scheduled rehab meetings with a speech pathologist and an activites co-ordinator due to your acquired brain injury? Do you tell them?

I was a bit teary today kiddo but I'm fine!

Today I am thankful for...

As I left my neurosurgeon's office today I got all teary! The tears that were welling up in my eyes were tears of relief. To put it plain and simple, everything is ok! The lesions haven't increased in size and he is really impressed with my recovery.

Today was the shortest appointment I have had with my Neurosurgeon and I only had to wait 40 minutes to see him, fastest time ever. We had a quick look at the MRIs, he asked a few questions, I asked a few and decided when I should have the next MRI. As usual I was quite anxious and he told me to relax, reminding me that our human instinct can be to worry or be anxious before there is anything to worry about. How true is this. I'm going to try very hard not to worry.

The outcome of today's appointment is something that will definitely make it into my gratitude journal tonight!