The Year That Was

Today is the 31st of December, or you could say New Years Eve. I'm not the biggest fan of NYE. Never have been. I'm not sure why. I know that a few times I have thought I had achieved nothing in the year that I was about to farewell so wanted it to go on a bit longer so I could achieve something. I think that feeling seems to show up almost every year come the 31st of December. That highlights a bit of the pessimistic side of me I suppose. I am proud to say I think I have achieved a lot this year. I battled through quite a challenging year and through this my pessimistic side has been rather subdued. It needed to be, I made it that way. Pessimism does not help anyone in times of trouble so I decided to kick that personal trait as far away as possible. It crept back occasionally but I think I did a pretty good job controlling it. If anything this year has made me more optimistic

Having said this it obviously does not mean that I have found this year incredibly enjoyable. It has been hard. I think it's fair to say this was probably one of the hardest years of my life but I made it ((well 8 hours and 10 minutes to go) sheesh pessimist). I could not have made it on my own so thanks to all of you who sent your positive thoughts and prayed for me. Yesterday after my Grandma's funeral I met so many of her friends who knew what my family and I have been through and they told me how proud my Grandma was of me. They said that they would continue to pray for me and hearing both of these things made me teary/cry, again. I'm surprised I still had tears to spill, it was a very emotional day.

Personally I don't find a need to make new years resolutions because if I decide I want to do something within a set time frame I don't feel the need to wait until the 1st of January, I set my own date, but I am glad that that date helps others. However after all of the trials this year has presented me I think I will make a resolution, not a new resolution, so to speak, but to continue with something I have done this year. I'm going to strive to stay positive whatever may happen. Having said this I really just pray this coming year does not present as many challenges as the one that will shortly end has. I don't care for brain surgery again any time soon, well never again actually.

The day my Grandma died both mum and I were wishing this year had never happened because we went through a moment of not being able to see any good in it. It was my dad that pulled us back inline and reminded us that through all of the chaos and unexpected experiences that this year has bought upon us we have learnt a lot and definitely become stronger people. Although I never wish to face a year like this again in someways this year has been a gift. A challenging gift to accept but the rewards will be long lasting.

I made a Flipagram of my 2013 (most parts of it) if you wish to have a look (if the link works).

Happy New Year to all! 

http://instagram.com/p/ikhqBFNtVm/

Prayer warrior!

The last blog I wrote was about enjoying every day as if it was your last. My grandma did just that. She died peacefully in her sleep on Tuesday night. That is how she wanted to die and I am so grateful I did not have to see her die in pain. It was an unexpected death and I miss her dearly. I knew she was always there for me, always. She had so many stories to share, loved a cup of weak black tea and watched every tennis tournament that she could. 

She prayed for everyone in her family every single day. She was a prayer warrior and that has meant so much to me over the last couple of years.

Grandma was on a fair dose of pain relief due to some ailments that effected her mobility and a few other things but the last time I saw and spoke to her she was bright and bubbly. I always found it funny how grandma and I could have conversations with each other about our ridiculously long waiting times to see Dr.s and what medications we were on.

I love my Grandma and I know that she is in heaven. She is able to rest in peace but I know that she is also having a blast up there.

I love you Grandma! 

Smile

Don't go to bed angry! Perhaps today is your last day on earth and I wouldn't want my last day on earth to be one where I was angry at someone or something. Now saying 'perhaps today is your last day on earth so don't be angry' is something you most probably have heard before but think about it. Honestly think about it. Over the last few months and in particular over the last few weeks, I've thought about it a lot. I think it's part of my healing process. We all watch movies and read stories where an everyday character becomes sick or injured and drops dead the next day. We may shed a tear reading the story or watching the movie but we can mostly suspend out disbelief and get on with life after we've finished reading or watching this fictional story. Yet, what if I was that character in reality? If i dropped dead tomorrow I think it would be a bit hard for some people to pretend it hadn't occurred and get on with life when it has actually happened. Well in all honesty I am partly that character who may drop dead tomorrow and so are you. My point is, no-one can control tomorrow. Not a single human being has the capacity to do this. This might be your last day on earth and not because you've done something wrong, just because.

So to lead on from this point, you may be, as I was and still am, a relatively fit person who isn't all that sure what life will bring them but is thinking about what they might like to do when they retire (hmm I've only worked in my profession for 4 years) but then life throws you a curve ball and the plot twists. My brain tumours have been a pretty big plot twist and heading into surgery and even more so coming out of it I actually realised, not just "known", I have no control on how many days I will be on this earth. Do you get that? It actually makes me quite frustrated when people say 'yeah, yeah I get it' but do they?

When I went into surgery I was trusting a group of random Dr.s and Nurses to operate on my brain. Now what does my brain control? Me! It controls my physical self. Putting my life in the hands of others felt like that they were the ones who could control what happened. I had no control over the surgery and at the same time they had no control over, let's say the weather, who was to know if a bolt of lightning would come pelting through the ceiling and take out my medical team, therefore sending us elsewhere. Does that make sense? I'm actually finding it quite hard to express and I think it may be because it actually a mixture of emotional, physical and spiritual experiences. This realisation has flooded my body. In a way I feel that it is not something that can be fully cognitively understood by reading, it needs to be experienced. We will all experience it one day or another but I think it is really important to acknowledge it starting now. Don't let it stop you making plans for your future or scare you but let it help you live life to the fullest.

I would like to clarify what I mean when I say I'm frustrated when people declare they understand that they may drop dead tomorrow, but say it as if it were a passing comment. It doesn't mean I'm angry, although if I were to look in a dictionary that is probably what frustration means, it means I want people to be thankful and enjoy each day. There are obviously times that you simply cannot enjoy or hours or whatnot but surely there is a window of opportunity each day. Harder said than done I realise but have a go.

I know this post sounds quite negative but through the negativity in it I am trying to encourage you to look for the positives in your life. I don't know what they are for you but I know what mine are and I'm trying my hardest to appreciate them more and smile.

That's enough for today.

Have a great day all.

check this out

The one thing (emphasis on the word one) I like about MRIs is getting to see the images of my brain when I meet with a specialist. It's fascinating. I must admit that at first I wasn't impressed that my brain showed abnormalities but I still find it fascinating to be able to see, to an extent, what my brain looks like.

I've been reading a few blogs by other people who also have Gliomas (one of mine is called a ganglioglioma and I can't remember the name of the other one) and noticed that most of them have posted images from their MRI scans so I thought I'd jump on the bandwagon.

Here you go. Good luck finding the Gliomas! Be aware that these are a just a few images from hundreds that are taken each MRI. These images are from an MRI that was taken in March 2013.