Home cooked meals!

Yesterday morning I was awake at 6am (ish) and buzzing for the day to start.I was so happy because the rehabilitation hospital allowed me to have a weekend pass. That meant that last night was the first night in 2.5 weeks that I was allowed to sleep in my own bed and wake up when my body did instead of when the nurses were doing their handover round in the morning. 

I'm currently lying in bed, first nap at 11am, and realizing how tired this healing process will be. It's frustrating and even though nurses and Dr.s are telling me im doing such a good job rehabilitating I'm disappointed that I haven't done anywhere near as much exercise, or had the energy to, as I usually would in 3 weeks. I've really  noticed how tired I am when a noise I wouldn't have found loud 3 weeks ago really startles me. I aim to stay awake until 9:30 at night and that can be a challenge. My exhaustion levels show me that the fact that I won't have to work for about a month is justifiable. Centrelink will be having a visit from me tomorrow so I get some allowance to pay bills etc. whilst my body recovers.

Time to go enjoy the rest of the day at home before a trip out for dinner later and then back to the rehab centre (sigh)! Once again I'm reminding myself how lucky I am to have access to this medical service.

Language is tricky.

I left the hospital today. I felt over the moon when I was leaving but a few hours later this feeling of elation no longer existed. I have been moved to a new location to do some rehab so that I can be on top of my game when I head back to work next term. It's not just a trip in each day or a couple of times per week to do an OT session etc. but live in rehab. Because I am doing neuro rehab I honestly admit it was confronting coming in today. When I say confronting yes I mean I  felt I was "too good" to be here but then I need to remember, I'm not too good for what they are planning for me.I can only improve so that when I get back to teaching I will be well prepared. Having said this, it doesn't mean that within about 2 minutes of arriving here I didn't want to go back home.

I think I am going to find the next few days really challenging. Time for bed. Still really tired. Last blog was worded terribly.

What now?

It's 10:40pm Sunday night! I've been in hospital for almost 2 weeks today. The first week I was so out of it but i'm alive. I haven't posted for almost 2 weeks but I have made it through the biopsy! I don't think the next few posts will be that long. I've thought about blogging for a few days but I couldn't type more than 1 SMS then feeling I needed a rest. 

I'll just try to keep everyone up to date with results on the biopsy etc. At the moment I don't have any results to share but I have been on a restricted fluid diet intake. The first 3 days I was on 750 ml fIuid (all fluid) and am now on 1000ml!  I'm hating this, it's really tricky. There's  numerous reasons as to why this is the case but I'm hoping tomorrows test results let me increase my fluids again.

That's really the smallest of my woes at the moment but it's not helping me. It's really hard to not just go a drink a big glass of water when that's all you feel like going to do. In the long run it will take a lot longer to get back to better health if I just do what honestly feels best for me but so far so good.

That's it for now. I've got to see about 14 specialists tomorrow and see what happens this week. I'll let you know! Try to get some shut eye amongst the snorers now! 

This photo was taken just over a week ago! Yeah not that cool!

It's time!

I'm not lying when I say the last few days have been hard. I have cried, I have been really angry a few times, I am generally scared and had a few yucky "what if" moments but I think that's all normal.

Tomorrow is the day (refer to previous posts if you're not sure what I'm talking about). It's almost 11pm and I've set my alarm for 5:30am. I'm feeling ok. I'm not feeling great, I'm definitely not excited but I WILL BE OK! Yes I say this with passion. Why? Well, today when people have said to me 'I hope it goes well' I have replied 'It WILL'. because I have been reminded of Mark 11: 24 ' Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe you have received it and it will be yours.' so what so you think I have been praying for and what does this verse mean for me right now? It means that all will go well. Now I'm def not the best when it comes to talking about my faith and I know many of you who may read this may not have faith in Christ but I wanted to point something out. I have heard so many times people say to me "you are so strong, you are so brave, I couldn't hold myself together like you are etc etc" but I confess that it is not my personal strength that is getting me through this time but my strength that comes from my faith in God. Without this, I would not have been able to get out of bed every day over the last few months. Don't get me wrong, there has been times when all I have wanted to do, or actually done, is shake my fist at the heavens in anger but that does me no good. I have no control over the world or what happens but I have faith in God and need to remember that God  'commanded [me] to be strong and brave. Don't ever be afraid or discouraged! [for He] is the Lord [my] God and will be there to help me wherever [I] go.' Johsua 1:9. Is that mindboggling? Does that seem just weird? Yes! Will I fail at what I am told to do? From time to time yes I will, but God's love is unfailing, honestly.

Just before I started finishing this blog I started listening to a Podcast about healing and this verse was referred to. I find it rather fitting.

3 John 1:2

Dear friend, I’m praying that all is well with you and that you enjoy good health in the same way that you prosper spiritually.

This song has helped me sleep lately. I will play it as I turn off the light shortly.I find the story behind this song so moving, perhaps you will too.

Now it's almost 12!

Night x

Oh and here's another song that has helped me... because I can share it!

Rescheduled and Restless

I no longer feel as calm about this operation as I had been previously. The whole "spanner in the works" threw me off guard. I'm trying to remind myself of the process I went through to reach the state of being calm about it all before it got delayed. I have 6 days to get back to that place. Challenge accepted!

Retail therapy really doesn't work in such circumstances but I've been talking about it a lot with friends and that works pretty well for me. Even if they have no "advice" to offer a listening ear is good. I haven't cried, I am a bit restless at night but still sleeping, that's a good thing. Having this week off, whilst it was unexpected and at first not wanted, has been good in some respects. I've had the chance to get back to good health after last week's cold, relax, do a few chores and see friends that I had not had the chance to catch up with last week. I'm very grateful that my boss still allowed me to have the week off. I'm blessed where I work.

Happy song, happy places. I've thought about what my reaction would be if I was ever at a Sigur Ros concert. If they were to play this song I would be jumping and twirling around but at the same time a bit frustrated because I couldn't sing along (correctly)! For now this song make me feel alright, one of the beauties of not understanding the lyrics I suppose.

Close to boiling point!

I'm starting to understand what it actually means when we say 'Patience is a virtue' but the process of me coming to understand this has been frustrating, this already shows there's room for improvement in understanding this virtue but it does not mean that my patience, or rather this virtue, is not improving! The evidence I have to support my claim arises not only from the last 4 months of playing the waiting game for this surgery but mainly from a phone call I received Friday night. 

After going through the complicated and confusing process of confirming the operation I was set to head out with some dear friends for dinner and go to a gig. I was already running late, pretty common practice, but as I was just about to leave I answered a ph call from an Unknown number. I don't like answering ph calls from unknown numbers and in the space of 10 minutes I received about 7! Four of these came when I was not close enough to my ph to hear it and as no voicemail was left there was nothing I could do. I ignored the next 2 but then caved the next time and answered the call. I could tell the patience of the the person on the other end was wearing thin as they did not bother to tell me where they were calling from and with almost a sigh of relief informed me 'I've been trying to get in contact with you'. I knew who it was.

They postponed my surgery! I was/am so frustrated. All of this emotional readiness seemed to become insignificant! When I hung up the phone whatever I was holding in my hand, I think it was my mascara, landed on the bed with a significant amount of force behind it. I'm helpless! It's not my fault that it's postponed, there's nothing I can do to change the situation. What I can and have to do is wait again, or to phrase it differently, remember that I'm still working on this virtue of patience.

The food, friends and music on Friday night helped me relax and as I did relax I surrendered to the fact that life goes on. This acceptance doesn't mean that I'm fine with the fact that surgery plans are in holiday mode but overall the truth is I am fine! I'm not going to drop dead tomorrow, unless God has other plans.

I was quite frustrated and feeling sad for myself  last night so I watched mind numbing reality tv on Foxtel. I actually enjoyed the couple of shows as they were about food. I'm hopefully going to do lots of baking, I love baking, during my time off. Last night I discovered how brandy snaps are made! Can't wait to have a crack, or should I say snap, at them.

Although the baking shows inspired me to bake in the coming months a few other things were annoying me when I went to bed. I woke up this morning to find this quote on fb! 

'In our own case we accept excuses too easily; in other people's we do not accept them easily enough.' CS Lewis

Another virtue relates to this quote and this too needs to worked upon.

Sick of the iPod blogging now. Wait what was the focus of this post?!