fact: I have two brain tumours! If you want to find out more then have a read.
The last few years have have been full of many trials and tribulations but I will tell you one thing, I have learnt a lot about life.
I finished work for the term yesterday. Usually one would be excited! This was not my reaction. I spent yesterday, planning, organizing resources and assessing pieces of work so that everything was prepared for the relief teacher, who started today. When I left it felt weird, I was handing over everything, including my MacBook and key, to someone I don't know. I had a few thoughts go through my head! "What if she screws everything up and I come back to a complete disaster?" but the one that I'm kind of worried about the most is "will they like her more and when I go back here them complain about missing her?", now that's really self conscious but I've spent the last 2 years (almost) building relationships with these students so I hope you can see where I'm coming from. So usually when I don't have to work I would easily sleep in but i was awake at 7:30 this morning and was thinking about the year 1s.
Moving on! Last hour I received 3 phone calls from the hospital in the space of 10 minutes. Two at the same time, meaning that when I hung up from 1, there was voicemail for me. I was confused and so were they because the communication between departments is obviously not Flinders strong point. It turns out I just have to have ANOTHER MRI before surgery! This scares me, yes I'm talking about the MRI. To make things worse I have a cold (a risk you face when you work with children who don't understand basic hygiene practices)! I don't feel terrible, but it could postpone surgery. I told the Dr that rang me and he said they'll decide Monday whether or not to postpone the surgery. I just want this over and done with so all I can really say right now is 'go away cold, you're making this worse'.
I could write more but because I no longer have the MacBook to use I'm not enjoying typing up this blog on the iPod.
Well time to rest up now! I'm going to The Gov tonight because live music makes me happy.
I wrote this a couple of months back when this issue first came up. Taken me a while to share. It's a bit scary! It's all happening on the 2nd of September, or you could say 6 days time.
I’m having brain surgery! Yes you read that correctly! Why? Well it’s quite complicated but I’d like to share.I’m writing this blog for a number of reasons, one of them so that, if you wish, you can keep you up to date with how I am going and what is going on. Now this entry could be quite long so you might want to go get yourself a cup of tea before sitting down and reading all of this. Off you go.....ready?....ok, let’s go! I just want to warn that what you may read here may shock some of you but I’m not good at writing or talking about this issue in a way that doesn’t shock some people, in fact I don’t think that is possible and sometimes I just spontaneously burst into tears when I talk about it so I decided to type it out. Don’t worry I’ll leave the gooey details out, there hasn’t been that many, yet!
‘Where do I start?’, that’s always the question I ask myself when talking about this and I suppose the best part to start is at the beginning. It was 2008, third year Uni and I think it was a friday night. Mum and I had gone up to Foodland to pick up my sister from work. I was sitting there talking, then mum was talking and I was listening, then mum asked me a question but I didn’t hear and comprehend it properly and so I didn’t respond I just sat there, she asked me again, no response again. I don’t remember how long mum tried to get a response out of me but I do remember she had her hand on my shoulder for what I thought was a millisecond, I later found out she had actually been shaking me for quite some time yet I didn’t feel it at all. A few minutes later I was talking as if nothing had happened, I felt a bit weird but mum was concerned with what she had just experienced. This had happened to me before, I didn’t think much of it I thought I had just “zoned” out for a few seconds because I was really tired. All was fine to me, I told mum she was being silly, because she was really worried, I tried to assure her I was just tired. Shortly after that, the headache came. No, not a headache, it was like I already had a headache but to make it worse someone had decided to slam my head against the wall. You might just say migraine, but I say it was more than that because I get migraines and this ain’t no migraine. Now I had had these head slamming headaches before and strangely they had also occurred at times when I had “zoned out”. I didn’t put the two and two together. As far as I was aware nobody had ever noticed me “zoning out” although later on, after diagnosis, I recalled a few odd looks people had given me during these “zone out” periods at work. I worked at a baby store and I just assumed these weird looks were because I was serving pregnant ladies and they were shocked at the thought of me trying to sell them a pram worth $1,200 or a car seat worth $500! I was wrong.
To my utter disgust mum took me to Flinders Emergency. I was furious with her because I thought I was fine! When there was someone finally free to see us the doctor tested for all sorts of things, mum described what she had seen and I described what I’d felt. He didn’t diagnose anything there but told me he wanted me to have a CT scan and wrote a letter to my GP. I still remember that doctor, not his name, but his gentle nature. Although in someway it is thanks to him that I am now having neurosurgery if it wasn’t for him who knows what would have happened if what I’m about to describe wasn’t detected at the time. I am really grateful to have had that doctor see me that night. Now my friends who are doctors may say ‘oh they would have all done the same thing’ but I would beg to differ, there was something special about this man. So whoever you and wherever you are thanks and God bless you.
So rather confused I had the CT scan and then shortly after went to see my GP. She told me I was to have an MRI and still confused as to why, I played along. Now if anyone reading this has had an MRI of their head done they will know it is not the most pleasant experience. For me they are terrifying and seem to get worse every-time I have them, which lately has been rather frequently. If I was to describe the thoughts, how it physically feels and the emotions that occur when I have an MRI scan then we would be here for another 2 hours. Anyway, then came the results of the scan and the results = a visit to a neurologist! “Huh?”, now I was starting to get a bit anxious. Mum and I went along, and before he even told me anything he was tapping me here there and everywhere to test my reflexes then my eyes had to follow his fingers and a bunch of other stuff. Then came business time. He showed me the scans and I thought ‘yup that’s my brain, cool and...’. He pointed out something, something that was unusual. In fact he pointed out two unusual “things”. Now I have no idea what the proper names of these peculiar spots are but he explained them to me as being “lesions/tumours”. He told me they weren’t big, which was obvious by looking at the scans, but they could be the reason behind my “zoning out”. Now from here on there is a better way of describing my moments of “zoning out” and that would be to say that I was actually having seizures, epileptic seizures. ‘PARDON?! Epilepsy?’ FUCK! SHIT! WHAT THE HELL! NO! THAT’S NOT CORRECT! That is I wanted to scream out loud but instead I just sat there in shock. Mum asked the questions whilst I just sat there unsure if I had heard correctly.
I left the neurologist's office and I thought I had just been dreaming and what I had heard was not real but this was not the case and over the next few years I struggled with accepting the fact that I had/have epilepsy. I think I went through the 5 stages of grief every single day for the first year and within the first few months of beginning told got quite caught up in the stages of denial and anger, expected I suppose. Now when you say epilepsy some people freak out or get a bit squeamish and that’s ok. I was one of those people and I forgive you if you just freaked out to. I too had stereotyped this “thing” that could possible hinder one’s life. The main reason to this was because I was only really aware/been exposed to tonic clonic seizures and a very servere case of this when I worked overseas. There are many types of seizures that fall under the category of Epilepsy. I have Complex Partial Epilepsy. It’s best if you look it up if you want to know more but it’s also good to know that I don’t show all of the “signs” of complex partial epilepsy, everyone’s case is different and if you really know me you will know that I have not let this condition hinder me in the years since being diagnosed, nor will I let it!
The next two years were hard, firstly I had to finish Uni whilst my body was adapting to drugs that made me super tired. My dosage kept changing as the seizures weren’t under control and in the meantime I had a car accident, got lost in Paris (I still love that city), pretty sure I freaked out some person selling me tickets to a show when I was on holiday in Qld and a whole lot of other not very nice things happened to me. Yet the worst thing of all was that I kept this all hidden up. I told only a handful of people what I was going though and for some of you, even though you may have known me this whole time, this will also be the first time that you hear about what I had been diagnosed with and what I was going through and that has been a rookie mistake. I needed support but I thought I needed to get over it and I thought I was being selfish to share my woes and cry on someone else's shoulder as I told myself ‘I’m still better off than a lot of other people’ . It is true that I am better off than a lot of people, even in better health than millions of people throughout the world but even though this is the case the point is my issue was important to me and I needed help and that was ok. I would stress to anyone who has had the same “I’ll be ok, my problem is insignificant in comparison to others” thoughts to rethink that. If it’s important to you, then it is important and it’s ok to ask people around you for support. That’s also one of the reasons I am writing this because I am asking for your prayers and support as, as you can imagine, I’m pretty scared and may occasionally need to debrief with someone or cry on someone’s shoulder.
Now that we know the background story we’ll go back to the surgery. You might be wondering why only five years later, after being seizure free for over three years, do I now need to have brain surgery. Are you asking yourself ‘why didn’t they do it earlier?’. Well to put it simply, every year I have check-up MRI scans to keep track of these little tumors and all had been merry but recently these scans have been more frequent because in the last year one has decided to try and kick me back down to the ground by growing. Until the last couple of months the neurologist and neurosurgeon didn’t want to do anything because I was/am in good health and they didn’t believe it was worth the risk of the operation to find out what it is. Now I need to clarify that this surgery isn’t to remove the tumor, rather it is to simply take a biopsy and see what the next step is to stop it causing damage! It’s one bloody big operation for a biopsy hey! The tumour is still not large, about the size of my thumbnail, but as it is slowly growing it is the location that is the becoming the major cause for concern. My basic understanding is it’s where the brain fluid drains from, the optic nerves cross over and the pituitary gland is not far off. It’s pretty much one of the hardest and most dangerous spots in the brain to operate on! Put simply this biopsy surgery could impact my vision and possible give me short term memory loss (that’s all I’ve really been told and all I really want to know, I think). The other tumour is just sitting there, in a completely different spot, no change.
I’m not sure of the date of surgery yet but I will share the details I do know about the surgery. The surgery will take about 4 hours, in order to do it they need to shave some of my hair off, and I am really upset about that and yes I know it will grow back but I’m still sad about it. At least there is quite a few cool half shaved head, with long hair on the other side hairstyles out there at the moment. I’ll be searching for some nice headbands and practicing some side braids as well especially at first with my massive scar (3cm back from hairline and from the middle of my head down to under the ear, left side of head) After surgery I will be in the hospital for about 10 days and then there will be a 6-8 week recovery period at home. I’m not sure what this recovery period will allow me to or not do but when I have a clearer understanding I will let you know. I’m really going to miss playing sport :( BUT before you know it I will be up and running, well I hate running, but playing netball,basketball and going to the gym as well as constantly talking about music even to people who don’t care for music at all (sorry) and finding gigs to go to and planning my next overseas adventure, I’m thinking NZ this time!
To close this all, if I wasn’t a teacher I would be a professional traveller and if for some weird reason Lonely Planet declined my job application then I would want to work in the music industry. Having said that I’ll share some music when I write these blogs that help me get though times like this and may help you at any time. My favourite musician is John Mayer, he didn’t just write Your Body is a Wonderland ppl, so I will share one of his songs with you today. I wrote to one of my best friends the other week and she agrees with me that John wrote this song just for me :). It’s called The Heart of Life. I hope you have tissues nearby!
I would also like to share some thoughts/quotes/verses occasionally that encourage me and may do the same for you.
‘Whatever is happening in your life, don’t pre-occupy yourself with the question WHY? But rather ponder more on to WHERE these events will be bringing you. Know you are being led to somewhere beautiful, beyond your present harsh reality. Once you get to the WHERE, then you’ll know the WHY. Trust the process.” Unknown
I am the Lord your God. I am holding your hand, so don’t be afraid. I am here to help you. Isaiah 41:13 CEV
Well that’s it folks, thanks for reading. I ask for your prayers and positive thoughts. I have strong faith that not only am I in great professional care but that God has been and is looking after me every step of this journey.
I will keep you updated and when I am unable to blog my beautiful sister has agreed to post for me.
For now, swimming lessons are over. As an Australian it's quite usual to not show your "pride" or "boast" about your accomplishments because there's this idea that if you do you are egocentric. You know what?! I am proud of what I've just done and you know what else, I'm OK to share that pride. For me it's not about being egocentric it's about sharing my accomplishment or rather the fact that I overcame a fear. Make of it what you will.
Hear me out!
I was awake until just after 2 am last night/this morning. There were numerous reasons as to why, none of which we will go into detail about now. As I lay there I was thinking, 'I wonder if this album I have pre-ordered will download now', as its release date was today. I gave it a go. Fail! Our country is so bloody massive it had to be 23/8/2013 all across OZ. Unfair! I eventually fell asleep, all be it for less than 4 hours. Speaking of country, this album has a bit of a country feel to it. Not every song but there are a few that stand out. So yes you've probably cottoned on that this really will be a blog about my thoughts on this album. John Mayer's newbie Paradise Valley. Frankly I don't really care anymore what people think when I tell them my favourite artist is John Mayer. I usually get an 'oh hahaha response' and I know some people find it weird because I don't listen to commercial music (much) and they certainly don't play John on Triple J, in fact I've heard them pay him out before, but that's cool, they're still alright! I must be honest but the first time I heard John was back in 2002 and I HATED his music, well the one song I had heard. This song is the one most people think of when they hear his name, 'Your Body is a Wonderland'. I think I hated it because all of the "popular *coughsplutterskankscoughsplutter* girls at school liked it. Still don't know why that turned me off of it, my friends didn't dig it either.
I found myself in Borders one day, yeah good ol Borders books and music, and as I quite frequently did, stood there and listened to the whole album. Next thing you know I was in love. At first my family was into his music, I don't play it as loud as I used to because now they have had enough of him. Dad still has respect for his music and I know that deep down so does my brother, as he is talented, not a biased perspective at all. Dad took me to his gig a few months later. It was great but I secretly wanted to be down the front screaming with all the other teenies, even though it was a seated show. My time came for that again, twice actually, one time I was in the 3rd row. That show deserves a book not just a blog post, but I don't have time for that, sorry to disappoint.
Well after all the lead up to this review I won't do I'll just put it out there that I won't be doing an indepth Rolling Stone addition but just make a few points. The opening tune, Wildfire, is good, fullstop. It's got a bit of country feel to it, but it's catchy and sweet. Paper Doll was released as a single earlier this year. This song is probably the closest to his old style, simple, I'll put it in the Continuum category. The videoclip for this, only John Mayer can get away with. I'll post it and then you might get why he's the only one that can get away with it. I think it's because of his supposed carefree atitutde. Track 6, oh dear track 6! It's a beautiful love song BUT Katy perry you RUIN the end/almost the whole song for me because of that stupid giggle you do at the end. Now I've never hated Katy, she's alright and considering John and her are a couple it's fair enough they did this track together but that ending is surely her idea and it's terrible. WHY did you fall for this John, why?! I'm thinking this is an advertising thing, works for both of them, well more for Katy fans really. Other die hard John Mayer fans probably feel the same way as I do, unless they are also a die hard Katy fan as well. It's just way off track, even the song with Taylor Swift on Battle Studies works better. But having said that it's not my least favorite on the album. At the moment that is Track 5. Track 7, possibly a tear jerker, beautiful! Track 8 presents us with Frank Ocean. I swear that man canNOT sing live but I'm digging this song, the whole 1:26 of it. Don't really know why, I'm thinking it may wear off on me. After this, the catchy upbeat hillbilly sound returns and it's needed after the previous tracks but then we head back into the slow, solemn and mellow sounds. He ends it nicely, it's not depressing, not too much chingy changy country, just a well placed track.
I have often thought it would be a difficult job to order tracks. If you think about it, you don't want all the happy songs at once followed by all the sad songs otherwise your upbeat mood will just drop but then if you put all the sad, melancholic songs first then come the upbeat songs can you concentrate on the positive aspects of them? Being a "deep thinker" I think I would love such a job yet it would probably drive me mad!
This album gets 4/5!
Here's Paper Doll for you.
On another note, I spent over three hours at the hospital today. Had 7 tubes of blood taken! I'm alright, trying to stay postive. I'm loving how I'm writing about visiting the hospital yet many people who may read this, be they "friends" or not will have no idea why I visited the hospital. Weird, possibly twisted, I know, but come on everyone loves a bit of suspense Actually I think I'm still just too scared to share the story. Keep checking and you may read the story!
Time to sleep! Basketball in the "morning" let's see if I can be top scorer 2 weeks in a row. Maybe shouting 'it's off"' every time I shoot is playing reverse psych with the ball. I'll try it again tomorrow
Which fool sets their alarm for 8:15am on a Sunday morning? Me! Why? To overcome a fear I've had for years. 'What is this fear?' I hear you ask. WATER is my response! Not drinking water you silly billy but swimming in it. If you saw me last year in a pool or in the sea at shoulder depth that meant I was about to drown. My fear came from a few different experiences, obviously not pleasant and as I had never tackled this fear it increased year by year. I'm guessing this adds to the reasons as to why I don't like summer. I don't believe in new year's resolutions because I figure if you're really keen to do something you can start it any day of the year, having said that it was my summer goal to tackle this fear. One main personal reasons led to this decision, the main reason I set out to do this at the time was actually not to overcome the fear, weird I know, but when this reason soon became no longer relevant I thought 'pfft why bother'. One of my besties said to me 'Fuck that Cass, just do it. Do it for yourself otherwise this "reason/fear" wins'. True she was. So after about 4 weeks of contemplation I went to the counter at my gym and asked to enroll in the adult beginners swimming lessons. That was the most embarrassing and challenging part of the process. Talking to someone, most probably younger than me, and admitting I didn't know how to swim. 'so do you want to enroll in beginners beginners or intermediate?' 'umm, beginners' I said as I blushed (I assume I was blushing). 'So you can't float or...' ,'No', 'Oh, ok'. So I signed this, signed that, was told pay this amount of money and be there at 9:45am every Sunday morning. Uggh!
I rocked up to my first lesson, almost as embarrassed as I was when I had signed up. One of the kiddy classes was next to me. All of these 10 years olds swam better than me, obviously. Could it get any more embarrassing? Nah! My instructor rocked up. When I saw him I thought 'phew, he'll definitely be able to pull me out of the water' (that at the time didn't go above my chest) as he was a big muscly guy. I later found out he plays water polo. I was "in good hands" (which he did have to use once).
Well now I'm in the intermediate class. My alarm goes off half an hour earlier than it used to. I'm sure you can make the connection as to why. I was 10 minutes late this morning but better late than never. The water depth is 3m in the pool the intermediate classes use. I was just as scared the first lesson I had in the intermediate class as I was in the beginners class. There is no way I can put my feet down if I freak out or give up now. After a month or so I forgot about the depth. Every now and then I think about it and freak out. That happened this morning as I was half way through a lap of freestyle. It's amazing the power that positive thinking and reassuring yourself can have. I'm still here. Watch out you mofo of a fear, I'm winning! I'm not bad with the freestyle, if I do say so myself, improving on the backstroke, still a fair way to go with the breaststroke but I'll get there. Next week will be my last lesson for a while. I was thinking of getting my trainer a thank-you card, does that cross the line?
Screw tumble turns!
Most of the time I'll spend another 10-20 minutes swimming after the lesson finishes before heading up to the BodyBalance class. Jumped straight out of the water this morning. Not really sure why. I love BodyBalance although the balancing part isn't my strong point in the class. If you've done it, you'll get it. If you haven't I challenge you to and then you can decide whether to laugh at what I just wrote or sympathise with me. I'm going to miss this class. It's such a great way to relax yet at the same time it's a pretty good workout, it's got nothing on BodyCombat though. That one gets every bad vibe/feeling/negative emotion out of me. I must admit one's mindset does help to achieve this during the class or maybe it's the trainer. She's wicked. Another challenge for you.
I got a coffee on the way home, every-time I order a skinny flat white I regret it, just go the full fat version, they taste better. No point in going a skinny when you add sugar anyway is there.
I was almost home and this car was driving towards me with their wipers going full speed. Who forgets to turn off their wipers? 5 seconds later I realised they didn't forget to turn them off. Crazy!
Watch this space, news coming, possibly! It takes courage to share some things but that's one reason I started this, to share. Isn't that one reason you do it or read them?
I hope this blogging doesn't become an addiction.
Don't really know the actual story behind this song but the lyrics fit to the overall themes of this post! Haven't even watched this clip ha!
I don't know how to do this blogging stuff. I suppose it's really just like writing a journal but the whole world can access it. That's a bit scary when you think about it. There's obviously a range of reasons people do this. I'm not 100% sure what mine is yet or rather if it's worth it.
I bet I'm the 27,543rd person who's first blog has been just like this.
