The Year That Was

Today is the 31st of December, or you could say New Years Eve. I'm not the biggest fan of NYE. Never have been. I'm not sure why. I know that a few times I have thought I had achieved nothing in the year that I was about to farewell so wanted it to go on a bit longer so I could achieve something. I think that feeling seems to show up almost every year come the 31st of December. That highlights a bit of the pessimistic side of me I suppose. I am proud to say I think I have achieved a lot this year. I battled through quite a challenging year and through this my pessimistic side has been rather subdued. It needed to be, I made it that way. Pessimism does not help anyone in times of trouble so I decided to kick that personal trait as far away as possible. It crept back occasionally but I think I did a pretty good job controlling it. If anything this year has made me more optimistic

Having said this it obviously does not mean that I have found this year incredibly enjoyable. It has been hard. I think it's fair to say this was probably one of the hardest years of my life but I made it ((well 8 hours and 10 minutes to go) sheesh pessimist). I could not have made it on my own so thanks to all of you who sent your positive thoughts and prayed for me. Yesterday after my Grandma's funeral I met so many of her friends who knew what my family and I have been through and they told me how proud my Grandma was of me. They said that they would continue to pray for me and hearing both of these things made me teary/cry, again. I'm surprised I still had tears to spill, it was a very emotional day.

Personally I don't find a need to make new years resolutions because if I decide I want to do something within a set time frame I don't feel the need to wait until the 1st of January, I set my own date, but I am glad that that date helps others. However after all of the trials this year has presented me I think I will make a resolution, not a new resolution, so to speak, but to continue with something I have done this year. I'm going to strive to stay positive whatever may happen. Having said this I really just pray this coming year does not present as many challenges as the one that will shortly end has. I don't care for brain surgery again any time soon, well never again actually.

The day my Grandma died both mum and I were wishing this year had never happened because we went through a moment of not being able to see any good in it. It was my dad that pulled us back inline and reminded us that through all of the chaos and unexpected experiences that this year has bought upon us we have learnt a lot and definitely become stronger people. Although I never wish to face a year like this again in someways this year has been a gift. A challenging gift to accept but the rewards will be long lasting.

I made a Flipagram of my 2013 (most parts of it) if you wish to have a look (if the link works).

Happy New Year to all! 

http://instagram.com/p/ikhqBFNtVm/

Prayer warrior!

The last blog I wrote was about enjoying every day as if it was your last. My grandma did just that. She died peacefully in her sleep on Tuesday night. That is how she wanted to die and I am so grateful I did not have to see her die in pain. It was an unexpected death and I miss her dearly. I knew she was always there for me, always. She had so many stories to share, loved a cup of weak black tea and watched every tennis tournament that she could. 

She prayed for everyone in her family every single day. She was a prayer warrior and that has meant so much to me over the last couple of years.

Grandma was on a fair dose of pain relief due to some ailments that effected her mobility and a few other things but the last time I saw and spoke to her she was bright and bubbly. I always found it funny how grandma and I could have conversations with each other about our ridiculously long waiting times to see Dr.s and what medications we were on.

I love my Grandma and I know that she is in heaven. She is able to rest in peace but I know that she is also having a blast up there.

I love you Grandma! 

Smile

Don't go to bed angry! Perhaps today is your last day on earth and I wouldn't want my last day on earth to be one where I was angry at someone or something. Now saying 'perhaps today is your last day on earth so don't be angry' is something you most probably have heard before but think about it. Honestly think about it. Over the last few months and in particular over the last few weeks, I've thought about it a lot. I think it's part of my healing process. We all watch movies and read stories where an everyday character becomes sick or injured and drops dead the next day. We may shed a tear reading the story or watching the movie but we can mostly suspend out disbelief and get on with life after we've finished reading or watching this fictional story. Yet, what if I was that character in reality? If i dropped dead tomorrow I think it would be a bit hard for some people to pretend it hadn't occurred and get on with life when it has actually happened. Well in all honesty I am partly that character who may drop dead tomorrow and so are you. My point is, no-one can control tomorrow. Not a single human being has the capacity to do this. This might be your last day on earth and not because you've done something wrong, just because.

So to lead on from this point, you may be, as I was and still am, a relatively fit person who isn't all that sure what life will bring them but is thinking about what they might like to do when they retire (hmm I've only worked in my profession for 4 years) but then life throws you a curve ball and the plot twists. My brain tumours have been a pretty big plot twist and heading into surgery and even more so coming out of it I actually realised, not just "known", I have no control on how many days I will be on this earth. Do you get that? It actually makes me quite frustrated when people say 'yeah, yeah I get it' but do they?

When I went into surgery I was trusting a group of random Dr.s and Nurses to operate on my brain. Now what does my brain control? Me! It controls my physical self. Putting my life in the hands of others felt like that they were the ones who could control what happened. I had no control over the surgery and at the same time they had no control over, let's say the weather, who was to know if a bolt of lightning would come pelting through the ceiling and take out my medical team, therefore sending us elsewhere. Does that make sense? I'm actually finding it quite hard to express and I think it may be because it actually a mixture of emotional, physical and spiritual experiences. This realisation has flooded my body. In a way I feel that it is not something that can be fully cognitively understood by reading, it needs to be experienced. We will all experience it one day or another but I think it is really important to acknowledge it starting now. Don't let it stop you making plans for your future or scare you but let it help you live life to the fullest.

I would like to clarify what I mean when I say I'm frustrated when people declare they understand that they may drop dead tomorrow, but say it as if it were a passing comment. It doesn't mean I'm angry, although if I were to look in a dictionary that is probably what frustration means, it means I want people to be thankful and enjoy each day. There are obviously times that you simply cannot enjoy or hours or whatnot but surely there is a window of opportunity each day. Harder said than done I realise but have a go.

I know this post sounds quite negative but through the negativity in it I am trying to encourage you to look for the positives in your life. I don't know what they are for you but I know what mine are and I'm trying my hardest to appreciate them more and smile.

That's enough for today.

Have a great day all.

check this out

The one thing (emphasis on the word one) I like about MRIs is getting to see the images of my brain when I meet with a specialist. It's fascinating. I must admit that at first I wasn't impressed that my brain showed abnormalities but I still find it fascinating to be able to see, to an extent, what my brain looks like.

I've been reading a few blogs by other people who also have Gliomas (one of mine is called a ganglioglioma and I can't remember the name of the other one) and noticed that most of them have posted images from their MRI scans so I thought I'd jump on the bandwagon.

Here you go. Good luck finding the Gliomas! Be aware that these are a just a few images from hundreds that are taken each MRI. These images are from an MRI that was taken in March 2013.

I've got this

It fascinates me how concerned about me some of the Dr.s and my immediate family were the first week after my surgery. I personally knew I was ok but they didn't. It's weird. I think talking about it with others now is interesting and can be quite amusing. My mum told me she knew I was OK the first time I turned on the TV and saw an add for a top end hairdressing salon and I then pointed to my partially shaved head and jokingly said '$20,000'. Apparently it made her smile for a few days.

On another note I also think about how painful it must be for those who know that cognitively they understand everything but they simply cannot make themselves verbally understood to others due to brain injuries or impairments they were born with. It saddens me and was actually one of my biggest fears that I may end up like that.

I'm grateful.

and two hours later!

I saw my beloved neurosurgeon again on Tuesday. He's actually a really nice guy, just straight to the point. At first this was obviously a hard thing to accept with him telling me he thought it would be best to have brain surgery to see what mischief my brain was getting up to. This time I was happy for him to be straight to the point about my health situation as it was a positive outcome. My two gliomas (now I'm learning and starting to understand the lingo) are both different. Which is apparently quite uncommon but the positive side is that the Dr. said that I did not need radiotherapy or chemotherapy. I was so happy when I heard this. I think I asked him 'so I don't need radiotherapy or chemotherapy?' at least twice throughout the appointment because I wanted to make sure I had heard correctly.

I will still have to have them monitored for the next 10 years or so but for the moment I'm happy. I was also happy that he was happy to see how well I'm recovering as he admitted to me that he was quite concerned when he saw me in hospital the first few times as he thought my cognitive functioning had been impaired. I thought to myself 'Pfft I'm the smartest cookie in this town!'.

Oh and the last highlight, not the biggest though, was when he said to me 'who's telling you this information? You have to enjoy life.' after I talked about how the other Dr.s had said to me not to touch alcohol for a year. So last night at the pub I had one alcoholic beverage. I felt like a rebel. Well he's the Neurosurgeon and has more knowledge on the brain than all of the other Dr.s I've dealt with so I trust him.

thump thump

I was in bed all day Wednesday. Tuesday was my first full day back at work. I thought it would be physically and mentally challenging but didn't think it would be as exhausting as it turned out to be. Went to bed that night with a migraine, woke up with it on Wednesday and stayed in bed all day. That's it.

Survived today.

Bed time now.

Melbourne next Friday!

Success!

I went back to work today. It was only for half a day and it was fine. Not the best lessons ever. The best lessons seem to be the lessons that you either haven't planned for much or the ones that go waaaay differently than you expected and then you achieve more than you had hoped for.

I received plenty of hugs, lots of waves from students that I walked past who were surprised to see me and one little cherub came running up to me before school had started and exclaimed 'Frau Soandso, you're back!',  it was adorable. It's amazing how much these students have grown in 10 weeks and boy oh boy some of the students I taught today are definitely showing their 6-7 year old attitudes. Kinda funny.

Anyway, nap time. Back to school next Tuesday for the first full day since September eek!

Well that escalated quickly!

I realised yesterday that I never really wrote about what surgery involved and how I felt afterwards. The day, or the day after surgery, some of my close friends had been trying to contact me and were a bit concerned that something wasn't quite right as I didn't respond to their text messages inquiring as to how I was. This was because it took almost all my energy to read one, so replying seemed impossible and also because I didn't touch my phone for about 3 or 4 days. Most of them contacted my mum so the word spread that all was OK.

In all honesty I don't really know what surgery involved apart from a huge loss of hair, some very sharp instruments and a lot of people. I obviously don't know how it physically felt as I was in a deep sleep, so to speak, so there isn't too much to share about the actual operation, well none actually, but I do have a few distinct memories after I woke up from this deep sleep.

I remember that when I woke up after being in surgery for 6 hours I was dry retching, got taken to have a CT scan before I even saw my family (I may have this part in the wrong order as I was on very heavy drugs),  had tubes and drugs stuck in me and asked for food and water which I was then denied for the first few hours after surgery. I also remember being woken up every 15 minutes to start off with and being asked the same questions 'What's your name?', 'Where are you?', 'What's your date of birth?' 'What's the date today?'. After what felt like a few hours, and it may have been, they asked me these questions every half an hour, then it went up to an hour and by the second week in hospital they stopped waking me up in the middle of the night to ask me and I only got asked once a day when they came to take a blood sample. I do remember that one day my answer to what was the date was about a week off. Mum told me after the specialists left. Oh well, that was how my brain was working. It was working slowly. Furthermore I remember that for the first two or so days I wore long sexy medical socks and had what I would describe as balloons that inflated and deflated at a steady rate strapped around my legs. I also realised that I had those tiny little tubes that sat near the nostrils pumping oxygen into me. I'd always thought those nasal tubes would be uncomfortable yet I hardly noticed them or just didn't care.

I also remember how lovely the nurses I had on the high dependency ward were, they were really admirable. My parents talked with a nurse who was pretty much constantly with me and discovered that she was from India and that her mum, who still lived in Inidia, had been taken to emergency the day or the day after I came in as she was extremenly ill/or had a bad accident (can't remember which one) and was likely to pass away. However this nurse had come to work and was so kind and on top of all that needed to be done. I was amazed when I found out. When they moved me to the neuro ward I did get a bit frustrated with a few nurses as a few times I pushed the button to get help for something and it could take a while for them to check on me. I don't mean just 3-5 minutes I'm talking 10-15. One time it took them about half an hour to come see if I was OK. One night I was so frustrated that I got out of bed at about 3am and went to the main desk and told them that I had been waiting ages and wanted help straight away. I was probably very forthright delivering this message as after that they came rather promptly if I pushed the button.

A positive thing after the surgery was the flowers that people sent me! Oh the flowers. My little space had about 7 bunches of flowers in them at one stage. I love flowers so they brightened my day. However when I say brightened I could not stand light for the first 3 days. My curtains were constantly closed and the light was off even though the majority of the time my eyes were shut but the burst of colour, although it was dim due to the lack of light entering my space, and the beautiful fragrances that flowed from the flowers made my tiny space bearable. The space was bearable for me but for my parents it wasn't that bearable as I was also really hot, apart from my feet freezing a few times, so asked for a fan. My poor mum was freezing as she sat there yet I just had the sheet on top of me and fan pointing towards the bed. After about a week of the fan pelting I was ok. That was weird.

My back and legs were really sore as they did not get me out of bed for about 2 days. I couldn't walk without support for the first 5 or so days and definitely didn't walk far. A couple of other things happened post op  including that I got confused a bit, lost concentration quite easily, had a terrible puffy red eye (I posted a picture in a previous post) and my bit a speech up mixed. I actually wasn't bored until the last couple of days at Flinders and if I was I'd read a bit, do some puzzles and then fall back to sleep. That's all I can really think of at the moment, only a few tricky things to overcome ;) but hey I believe that a strong mindset will help me have as strong body again! It's working but taking it's time.

In all honestly I am greatful to be alive everyday, to be able to see, smell, taste, touch, walk, talk and be independent. I have had a few days where I have been down but then I remind myself 'Hold up Cass remember where you were almost 8 weeks ago!'. This song has been one of my favourites over the past few years and as it says it's nice to be alive. I agree!

Well I hope this post didn't scare you. I'm OK I promise. I also promise I don't look like a zombie anymore :) It has taken me quite some time to write this post so thanks for reading!

In Repair

Six weeks ago I was packing a couple of bags and making sure I had all the forms I needed to take to the hospital. My best friend came over in the midst of my flurried state and helped me with a few things, or rather calmed me down by helping me finish one thing before I rushed off to do another task. After she left, which involved a rather short farewell because neither of us wanted to cry,

I finished off all my packing, had a shower and got into bed having decided that I would share the link to this blog with my Facebook pals as well as writing a bit of a hmm... testimony. Testimony is probably not the best word to describe it but I'm not sure what other word I would use. It was a really hard task for me to do, I'd already posted pretty much 'The Story' of the last 5 years of my life but hadn't shared it with many people and everyone I had shared it with knew about the story already, so hey! I wasn't sure what the reaction would be, if anyone would read it or whatnot but I'm glad I shared it. I was really surprised and really touched by the well wishes I got, especially from people who I didn't have much contact with anymore. Once again, I'm glad I shared it!

Anyway, I suppose this post is for a couple of reasons, the first one being to express that I agree that time flies and the second to say thank-you to those who have read my blog, whether or not you are reading this now, and have supported me. I honestly thank-you!

Look at me now, I'm doing alright! Let's see how much more I can improve in the next 6 weeks.

Knowing me, I will post another blog tomorrow because of the six week anniversary! It might not be much to you but it's a hell of a lot to me.

Worst hair day ever!

Ughhhh my hair was horrible this afternoon. It was just horrible. Dear male friends I now understand your hair woes. I did however have a very expensive haircut the other week. Think of what they put in my head to help it heal and the hourly rate of the apprentice hairdressers/qualified doctors? Unimaginable for a teacher and a hairdresser combined. People at Zinc Hairdressers take that, or go back to study!

If you're not sure what's in my head this song may give you a hint (yes my brain is still there). Yeah I actually like this song, and I bet a lot of you do too. If you're too proud to admit that you do just say 'yeah it's alright and I like supporting Australian artists (Sia)' that's a good one!

p.s. I'm annoyed I don't get some special note in my passport telling people at security that I simply have metal in my body and that's why the metal detectors go off every-time I walk through the security section. Damn!

Back to...normality?

Have you ever tried to take a selfie? Actually just a picture of one of your eyes! It's hard work. I couldn't do it. I wanted to do it so I could show off how far the healing process of my eye has been. It will still be a few more days before it is back to how it looked before surgery took place but my goodness it's a lot better than a week ago. I posted a photo a couple of weeks back that showed the staples in my head but if you look closely at my left eyelid you will see that it looks like it had some incredible makeup artist come along and do some fantastic eye-makeup for me. Alas it was a bruise, a bloody nasty one. It wasn't just the skin that was bruised but the eyeball and as that has no skin covering it imagine the colour it was. I can't remember, as I was under rather heavy drugs, but I couldn't close my eye because it was too swollen. I don't get how that works. Anyway surgery was 4 weeks ago yesterday WOOT but as I said the eye has a bit more healing to do. I don't know how I would cope if my vision had been impaired through this surgery. I love to travel and what I bring back from travel, apart from a few trinkets, is the memories of what I have seen and experienced. I honestly don't know what my life would be like right now if my eye wasn't OK.

Apart from that the last week has been interesting. I'm tired, once again expected. I feel the most tired around midday-3pm. I'm not sure why. I admit I haven't done enough exercise and I question myself as to whether this is why I'm not sleeping well at night or because it is actually a weird feeling to not be woken up every couple of hours as I was at hospital by nurses taking blood or giving me drugs at 3am in the morning. I've had some weird dreams as well. The type of dreams where you try to wake yourself up from but when you wake up you can't remember what the dream was about and are asleep again withing 26 seconds. I'm hoping they stop soon. Could it still be the drugs from the hospital wearing off? Possibly! Actually I have no idea. I forgot to ask the neurologist on Wednesday dang it!

So yes, I saw my neurologist again on Wednesday. I was hoping he would have the biopsy results to talk through with me but nope, this was not the case! I won't know the actual results until next time I see my neurosurgeon in December. I'm assuming this means it's not an urgent matter as I can't see him before then and he hasn't contacted me. In addition, at the hospital, the neurosurgeon and the neurologist have said they don't expect radiotherapy will be necessary but we shall see when I speak to my neurosurgeon later. I passed on a report from Hamstead to my neurologist and he wasn't shocked by anything. It was a long appointment, which like every other 3rd or 4th day in hospital had him checking my reflexes and eyes. I passed with flying colours, well at least I passed. I went to pay the dreaded bill after discussing what needs to be checked and when I need another appointment and the lady at the desk informed me that my Dr. had bulk billed me for that session. WOO HOO otherwise it would have cost me $220ish dollars. Praise the Lord! I have no sick leave left and am currently waiting to see if Centrelink will pay me sickness leave. That was an alright way to end an appointment I always dread, even though my neurologist is really nice.

After that I headed off to Centrelink to lodge my sickness claim. I waited about 40 minutes, I felt like I was going to fall asleep at one stage, until someone was free to help. I handed over all of the necessary information and hopefully I will get some money to help with bills and possibly let me go out for a coffee once a week. Lastly I went over to the gym and gave them a copy of my sickness certificate so that they don't charge me whilst I'm unable to do strenuous activity.

Overall I was out doing this simple chores from about 10am - 3pm and I was so tired by the end of it all. It's frustrating but as I finish writing this it's almost 12:40am and whilst I'm tired I don't feel as tired as I did at around 3pm. One of the main things I have definitely learnt over the last month is that the body is an amazing thing/object/mechanism and this odd sleep pattern is a simple example of the complexities of it. It's not because I've been out partying til the wee hours of the morning. I've done nothing, some days literally nothing. For goodness sake I only lasted until 9ish on Saturday night and was just out for dinner.

As I was writing this blog, with a heavy focus on eyes at the beginning, it reminded me of this quote (pretty close to what he said) from a friend when I was in year 12 that I doubt I will ever forget. 'Cass you have green in your eyes!' I was bawling my eyes out at the time, about what I don't know. Typical 17 year old boy :D I admit I love Coldplay (mainly their early stuff).

Now I'm tired, gosh this is weird!

22 days!

Well there's no doubt the last week has been challenging but I'm home now.

To start with on Monday I had a volunteer from Hamstead take me out to Flinders eye clinic so the Dr.s there could check that my eye was OK and this terrible redness was slowly going away and that my vision had not been damaged. All is fine, my eye will probably just be red for another week. My Dr. at Hamstead came to talk to me on Tuesday to tell me that they were happy with my progress in all the areas they were watching and testing me on. I hated the fact that I was being assessed at every specialist meeting but that's probably because I'm a teacher and I felt it was pretty much a pass/fail assessment as to when I would be going home as well as it being clear to me most of the time as to what they were testing me on. I admit that the first few assessments I did in Flinders went terribly wrong. I was on so many drugs and could not concentrate for more than about 2 minutes, which to me felt like half an hour. I couldn't even remember how to lay out the numbers on an analog clock the first time I was asked to, that is how out of it I was. I knew I was most probably failing but I reminded myself what I was going through and that in the end, with all of the help I was receiving, I would get there, get back to being able to work and stay focused.

Tuesday night I was feeling good, I only had 2 more sleeps in my creaky hospital bed, a few more specialist appointments and then I would be in my own comfortable bed and not have tasteless hospital food to eat. But does my life exist without drama? No, of course not! Once again a spanner was thrown into the works. On Tuesday I had a bit of a headache. I took some Panadol and felt OK but come Wednesday the headache was back. It turned into a migraine. As I suffer migraines my neurologist prescribes me medication to help it and as they did not have this medication at Hamstead they gave me something else to ease the pain I was in. Migraines are terrible so if you don't have migraines I urge you to be aware that if someone suffers migraines they are really unpleasant so please be kind to them when they are suffering a migraine. Back to the topic. The medication they gave me at Hamstead did hardly anything apart from make me dizzy and want to sleep. After I asked for the stronger med, o...somethingorother again, the nurse said she would go get some for me but instead she sent the Dr. into come and see me. She did the same tests as she had previously and explained that because I had just had brain surgery she would consult with the other Dr. on the ward and decide whether or not to send me to RAH to have a CT scan to make sure my brain wasn't bleeding. She explained that after the last surgery they did a scan and there was some bleeding on my brain but that was typical after what I had been through and it would, I suppose you might say, drain away. I believed her but an hour later I was in an ambulance, first time for everything, on the way to the RAH! Lights really hurt my eyes when I have a migraine so the next few hours, approx 5, weren't the nicest. There was a good hour where I was in a bed at the hospital in the ED waiting in the corridor because as they were bringing me back from having the CT scan an older lady came in with apparently terrible constipation. This was one of the only times where I was a bit frustrated that I was just kind of forgotten about. I thought to myself 'hmmm constipation versus possible brain bleed', I thought I deserved a bit more attention and privacy. I got over it. They didn't let me eat or drink until I had had all the tests done. The tests came back clear but the migraine was still there. The Dr. in ED said they didn't have the med I take for my migraines in the ED, ridiculous, so suggested that someone bring it from home but in the meantime they had ordered another ambulance to take me back to Hamstead. I got back to Hamstead at about midnight and crashed into bed after taking some more useless pain killers. In the end my migraine worsened over night and didn't clear until my dear mum, who was flying back from Qld for a work conference on Wed night, was able to bring me my migraine medication the next morning at about 10am. Wasn't the nicest night!

The doctor came and spoke to me yesterday morning and said that all the specialists were happy for me to leave as all the tests were clear but because I had had my migraine the night before it was up to me. As I had constantly reminded myself the whole time I was there, I was going to use the professionals I had around me to the best of my ability so I actually didn't say 'nah I'm out of here' rather I explained that if I didn't feel back to my post-op usual self I would stay another night to see how I felt. I think that surprised but also pleased her.

I had my last OT appointment at 11:30 which was cooking myself lunch, so much better than the hospital food if I do say so myself. At the end of that I realised I had not felt tired at all and it was then I realised I was fine to go home. To finish off my short stay, honestly was in comparison to other people's stay, at Hamstead I had a large meeting that involved all the specialists that had seen me as well as family. We went through a whole range of topics from getting back to sport and what I should avoid eating and drinking for a while then said our goodbyes.

I can't express how much respect I have for the Dr.s, specialists and nurses who looked after me whilst I was in hospital. I could not do their job. As for my family and close friends, thanks for being so caring towards me, even if it took me 3-? days to reply to your text messages and I asked if you could please hold off your visit. I feel so cared for.

It was a great feeling to leave Hamstead. I feel like I've accomplished another small step in this journey to recovery. I'm seeing my neurologist on Wednesday, I'm thinking he'll go through the biopsy results with me so we'll see how I feel then but for now I'm just going to enjoy the next few days away from hospital.

Oh home!

Home cooked meals!

Yesterday morning I was awake at 6am (ish) and buzzing for the day to start.I was so happy because the rehabilitation hospital allowed me to have a weekend pass. That meant that last night was the first night in 2.5 weeks that I was allowed to sleep in my own bed and wake up when my body did instead of when the nurses were doing their handover round in the morning. 

I'm currently lying in bed, first nap at 11am, and realizing how tired this healing process will be. It's frustrating and even though nurses and Dr.s are telling me im doing such a good job rehabilitating I'm disappointed that I haven't done anywhere near as much exercise, or had the energy to, as I usually would in 3 weeks. I've really  noticed how tired I am when a noise I wouldn't have found loud 3 weeks ago really startles me. I aim to stay awake until 9:30 at night and that can be a challenge. My exhaustion levels show me that the fact that I won't have to work for about a month is justifiable. Centrelink will be having a visit from me tomorrow so I get some allowance to pay bills etc. whilst my body recovers.

Time to go enjoy the rest of the day at home before a trip out for dinner later and then back to the rehab centre (sigh)! Once again I'm reminding myself how lucky I am to have access to this medical service.

Language is tricky.

I left the hospital today. I felt over the moon when I was leaving but a few hours later this feeling of elation no longer existed. I have been moved to a new location to do some rehab so that I can be on top of my game when I head back to work next term. It's not just a trip in each day or a couple of times per week to do an OT session etc. but live in rehab. Because I am doing neuro rehab I honestly admit it was confronting coming in today. When I say confronting yes I mean I  felt I was "too good" to be here but then I need to remember, I'm not too good for what they are planning for me.I can only improve so that when I get back to teaching I will be well prepared. Having said this, it doesn't mean that within about 2 minutes of arriving here I didn't want to go back home.

I think I am going to find the next few days really challenging. Time for bed. Still really tired. Last blog was worded terribly.

What now?

It's 10:40pm Sunday night! I've been in hospital for almost 2 weeks today. The first week I was so out of it but i'm alive. I haven't posted for almost 2 weeks but I have made it through the biopsy! I don't think the next few posts will be that long. I've thought about blogging for a few days but I couldn't type more than 1 SMS then feeling I needed a rest. 

I'll just try to keep everyone up to date with results on the biopsy etc. At the moment I don't have any results to share but I have been on a restricted fluid diet intake. The first 3 days I was on 750 ml fIuid (all fluid) and am now on 1000ml!  I'm hating this, it's really tricky. There's  numerous reasons as to why this is the case but I'm hoping tomorrows test results let me increase my fluids again.

That's really the smallest of my woes at the moment but it's not helping me. It's really hard to not just go a drink a big glass of water when that's all you feel like going to do. In the long run it will take a lot longer to get back to better health if I just do what honestly feels best for me but so far so good.

That's it for now. I've got to see about 14 specialists tomorrow and see what happens this week. I'll let you know! Try to get some shut eye amongst the snorers now! 

This photo was taken just over a week ago! Yeah not that cool!

It's time!

I'm not lying when I say the last few days have been hard. I have cried, I have been really angry a few times, I am generally scared and had a few yucky "what if" moments but I think that's all normal.

Tomorrow is the day (refer to previous posts if you're not sure what I'm talking about). It's almost 11pm and I've set my alarm for 5:30am. I'm feeling ok. I'm not feeling great, I'm definitely not excited but I WILL BE OK! Yes I say this with passion. Why? Well, today when people have said to me 'I hope it goes well' I have replied 'It WILL'. because I have been reminded of Mark 11: 24 ' Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe you have received it and it will be yours.' so what so you think I have been praying for and what does this verse mean for me right now? It means that all will go well. Now I'm def not the best when it comes to talking about my faith and I know many of you who may read this may not have faith in Christ but I wanted to point something out. I have heard so many times people say to me "you are so strong, you are so brave, I couldn't hold myself together like you are etc etc" but I confess that it is not my personal strength that is getting me through this time but my strength that comes from my faith in God. Without this, I would not have been able to get out of bed every day over the last few months. Don't get me wrong, there has been times when all I have wanted to do, or actually done, is shake my fist at the heavens in anger but that does me no good. I have no control over the world or what happens but I have faith in God and need to remember that God  'commanded [me] to be strong and brave. Don't ever be afraid or discouraged! [for He] is the Lord [my] God and will be there to help me wherever [I] go.' Johsua 1:9. Is that mindboggling? Does that seem just weird? Yes! Will I fail at what I am told to do? From time to time yes I will, but God's love is unfailing, honestly.

Just before I started finishing this blog I started listening to a Podcast about healing and this verse was referred to. I find it rather fitting.

3 John 1:2

Dear friend, I’m praying that all is well with you and that you enjoy good health in the same way that you prosper spiritually.

This song has helped me sleep lately. I will play it as I turn off the light shortly.I find the story behind this song so moving, perhaps you will too.

Now it's almost 12!

Night x

Oh and here's another song that has helped me... because I can share it!

Rescheduled and Restless

I no longer feel as calm about this operation as I had been previously. The whole "spanner in the works" threw me off guard. I'm trying to remind myself of the process I went through to reach the state of being calm about it all before it got delayed. I have 6 days to get back to that place. Challenge accepted!

Retail therapy really doesn't work in such circumstances but I've been talking about it a lot with friends and that works pretty well for me. Even if they have no "advice" to offer a listening ear is good. I haven't cried, I am a bit restless at night but still sleeping, that's a good thing. Having this week off, whilst it was unexpected and at first not wanted, has been good in some respects. I've had the chance to get back to good health after last week's cold, relax, do a few chores and see friends that I had not had the chance to catch up with last week. I'm very grateful that my boss still allowed me to have the week off. I'm blessed where I work.

Happy song, happy places. I've thought about what my reaction would be if I was ever at a Sigur Ros concert. If they were to play this song I would be jumping and twirling around but at the same time a bit frustrated because I couldn't sing along (correctly)! For now this song make me feel alright, one of the beauties of not understanding the lyrics I suppose.

Close to boiling point!

I'm starting to understand what it actually means when we say 'Patience is a virtue' but the process of me coming to understand this has been frustrating, this already shows there's room for improvement in understanding this virtue but it does not mean that my patience, or rather this virtue, is not improving! The evidence I have to support my claim arises not only from the last 4 months of playing the waiting game for this surgery but mainly from a phone call I received Friday night. 

After going through the complicated and confusing process of confirming the operation I was set to head out with some dear friends for dinner and go to a gig. I was already running late, pretty common practice, but as I was just about to leave I answered a ph call from an Unknown number. I don't like answering ph calls from unknown numbers and in the space of 10 minutes I received about 7! Four of these came when I was not close enough to my ph to hear it and as no voicemail was left there was nothing I could do. I ignored the next 2 but then caved the next time and answered the call. I could tell the patience of the the person on the other end was wearing thin as they did not bother to tell me where they were calling from and with almost a sigh of relief informed me 'I've been trying to get in contact with you'. I knew who it was.

They postponed my surgery! I was/am so frustrated. All of this emotional readiness seemed to become insignificant! When I hung up the phone whatever I was holding in my hand, I think it was my mascara, landed on the bed with a significant amount of force behind it. I'm helpless! It's not my fault that it's postponed, there's nothing I can do to change the situation. What I can and have to do is wait again, or to phrase it differently, remember that I'm still working on this virtue of patience.

The food, friends and music on Friday night helped me relax and as I did relax I surrendered to the fact that life goes on. This acceptance doesn't mean that I'm fine with the fact that surgery plans are in holiday mode but overall the truth is I am fine! I'm not going to drop dead tomorrow, unless God has other plans.

I was quite frustrated and feeling sad for myself  last night so I watched mind numbing reality tv on Foxtel. I actually enjoyed the couple of shows as they were about food. I'm hopefully going to do lots of baking, I love baking, during my time off. Last night I discovered how brandy snaps are made! Can't wait to have a crack, or should I say snap, at them.

Although the baking shows inspired me to bake in the coming months a few other things were annoying me when I went to bed. I woke up this morning to find this quote on fb! 

'In our own case we accept excuses too easily; in other people's we do not accept them easily enough.' CS Lewis

Another virtue relates to this quote and this too needs to worked upon.

Sick of the iPod blogging now. Wait what was the focus of this post?!

Claustrophobic

I finished work for the term yesterday. Usually one would be excited! This was not my reaction. I spent yesterday, planning, organizing resources and assessing pieces of work so that everything was prepared for the relief teacher, who started today. When I left it felt weird, I was handing over everything, including my MacBook and key, to someone I don't know. I had a few thoughts go through my head! "What if she screws everything up and I come back to a complete disaster?" but the one that I'm kind of worried about the most is "will they like her more and when I go back here them complain about missing her?", now that's really self conscious but I've spent the last 2 years (almost) building relationships with these students so I hope you can see where I'm coming from. So usually when I don't have to work I would easily sleep in but i was awake at 7:30 this morning and was thinking about the year 1s.

Moving on! Last hour I received 3 phone calls from the hospital in the space of 10 minutes. Two at the same time, meaning that when I hung up from 1, there was voicemail for me. I was confused and so were they because the communication between departments is obviously not Flinders strong point. It turns out I just have to have ANOTHER MRI before surgery! This scares me, yes I'm talking about the MRI. To make things worse I have a cold (a risk you face when you work with children who don't understand basic hygiene practices)! I don't feel terrible, but it could postpone surgery. I told the Dr that rang me and he said they'll decide Monday whether or not to postpone the surgery. I just want this over and done with so all I can really say right now is 'go away cold, you're making this worse'. 

I could write more but because I no longer have the MacBook to use I'm not enjoying typing up this blog on the iPod.

Well time to rest up now! I'm going to The Gov tonight because live music makes me happy.

Schönes Wochenende x

This is what I signed up for!

I wrote this a couple of months back when this issue first came up. Taken me a while to share. It's a bit scary! It's all happening on the 2nd of September, or you could say 6 days time.

I’m having brain surgery! Yes you read that correctly! Why? Well it’s quite complicated but I’d like to share.I’m writing this blog for a number of reasons, one of them so that, if you wish, you can keep you up to date with how I am going and what is going on. Now this entry could be quite long so you might want to go get yourself a cup of tea before sitting down and reading all of this. Off you go.....ready?....ok, let’s go! I just want to warn that what you may read here may shock some of you but I’m not good at writing or talking about this issue in a way that doesn’t shock some people, in fact I don’t think that is possible and sometimes I just spontaneously burst into tears when I talk about it so I decided to type it out. Don’t worry I’ll leave the gooey details out, there hasn’t been that many, yet!

‘Where do I start?’, that’s always the question I ask myself when talking about this and I suppose the best part to start is at the beginning.  It was 2008, third year Uni and I think it was a friday night. Mum and I had gone up to Foodland to pick up my sister from work. I was sitting there talking, then mum was talking and I was listening, then mum asked me a question but I didn’t hear and comprehend it properly and so I didn’t respond I just sat there, she asked me again, no response again. I don’t remember how long mum tried to get a response out of me but I do remember she had her hand on my shoulder for what I thought was a millisecond, I later found out she had actually been shaking me for quite some time yet I didn’t feel it at all. A few minutes later I was talking as if nothing had happened, I felt a bit weird but mum was concerned with what she had just experienced. This had happened to me before, I didn’t think much of it I thought I had just “zoned” out for a few seconds because I was really tired. All was fine to me, I told mum she was being silly, because she was really worried, I tried to assure her I was just tired. Shortly after  that, the headache came.  No, not a headache, it was like I already had a headache but to make it worse someone had decided to slam my head against the wall. You might just say migraine, but I say it was more than that because I get migraines and this ain’t no migraine. Now I had had these head slamming headaches before and strangely they had also occurred at times when I had “zoned out”. I didn’t put the two and two together. As far as I was aware nobody had ever noticed me “zoning out” although later on, after diagnosis, I recalled a few odd looks people had given me during these “zone out” periods at work. I worked at a baby store and I just assumed these weird looks were because I was serving pregnant ladies and they were shocked at the thought of me trying to sell them a pram worth $1,200 or a car seat worth $500! I was wrong.

To my utter disgust mum took me to Flinders Emergency. I was furious with her because I thought I was fine! When there was someone finally free to see us the doctor tested for all sorts of things, mum described what she had seen and I described what I’d felt. He didn’t diagnose anything there but told me he wanted me to have a CT scan and wrote a letter to my GP. I still remember that doctor, not his name, but his gentle nature. Although in someway it is thanks to him that I am now having neurosurgery if it wasn’t for him who knows what would have happened if what I’m about to describe wasn’t detected at the time. I am really grateful to have had that doctor see me that night. Now my friends who are doctors may say ‘oh they would have all done the same thing’ but I would beg to differ, there was something special about this man. So whoever you and wherever you are thanks and God bless you.

So rather confused I had the CT scan and then shortly after went to see my GP. She told me I was to have an MRI and still confused as to why, I played along. Now if anyone reading this has had an MRI of their head done they will know it is not the most pleasant experience. For me they are terrifying and seem to get worse every-time I have them, which lately has been rather frequently. If I was to describe the thoughts, how it physically feels and the emotions that occur when I have an MRI scan then we would be here for another 2 hours. Anyway, then came the results of the scan and the results = a visit to a neurologist! “Huh?”, now I was starting to get a bit anxious. Mum and I went along, and before he even told me anything he was tapping me here there and everywhere to test my reflexes then my eyes had to follow his fingers and a bunch of other stuff. Then came business time. He showed me the scans and I thought ‘yup that’s my brain, cool and...’. He pointed out something, something that was unusual. In fact he pointed out two unusual “things”. Now I have no idea what the proper names of these peculiar spots are but he explained them to me as being “lesions/tumours”. He told me they weren’t big, which was obvious by looking at the scans, but they could be the reason behind my “zoning out”. Now from here on there is a better way of describing my moments of “zoning out” and that would be to say that I was actually having seizures, epileptic seizures. ‘PARDON?! Epilepsy?’ FUCK! SHIT! WHAT THE HELL! NO! THAT’S NOT CORRECT! That is I wanted to scream out loud but instead I just sat there in shock. Mum asked the questions whilst I just sat there unsure if I had heard correctly.

I left the neurologist's office and I thought I had just been dreaming and what I had heard was not real but this was not the case and over the next few years I struggled with accepting the fact that I had/have epilepsy. I think I went through the 5 stages of grief every single day for the first year and within the first few months of beginning told got quite caught up in the stages of denial and anger, expected I suppose. Now when you say epilepsy some people freak out or get a bit squeamish and that’s ok. I was one of those people and I forgive you if you just freaked out to. I too had stereotyped this “thing” that could possible hinder one’s life. The main reason to this was because I was only really aware/been exposed to tonic clonic seizures and a very servere case of this when I worked overseas. There are many types of seizures that fall under the category of Epilepsy. I have Complex Partial Epilepsy. It’s best if you look it up if you want to know more but it’s also good to know that I don’t show all of the “signs” of complex partial epilepsy, everyone’s case is different and if you really know me you will know that I have not let this condition hinder me in the years since being diagnosed, nor will I let it!

The next two years were hard, firstly I had to finish Uni whilst my body was adapting to drugs that made me super tired. My dosage kept changing as the seizures weren’t under control and in the meantime I had a car accident, got lost in Paris (I still love that city), pretty sure I freaked out some person selling me tickets to a show when I was on holiday in Qld and a whole lot of other not very nice things happened to me. Yet the worst thing of all was that I kept this all hidden up. I told only a handful of people what I was going though and for some of you, even though you may have known me this whole time, this will also be the first time that you hear about what I had been diagnosed with and what I was going through and that has been a rookie mistake. I needed support but I thought I needed to get over it and I thought I was being selfish to share my woes and cry on someone else's shoulder as I told myself ‘I’m still better off than a lot of other people’ . It is true that I am better off than a lot of people, even in better health than millions of people throughout the world but even though this is the case the point is my issue was important to me and I needed help and that was ok. I would stress to anyone who has had the same “I’ll be ok, my problem is insignificant in comparison to others” thoughts to rethink that. If it’s important to you, then it is important and it’s ok to ask people around you for support. That’s also one of the reasons I am writing this because I am asking for your prayers and support as, as you can imagine, I’m pretty scared and may occasionally need to debrief with someone or cry on someone’s shoulder.

Now that we know the background story we’ll go back to the surgery. You might be wondering why only five years later, after being seizure free for over three years, do I now need to have brain surgery. Are you asking yourself ‘why didn’t they do it earlier?’. Well to put it simply, every year I have check-up MRI scans to keep track of these little tumors and all had been merry but recently these scans have been more frequent because in the last year one has decided to try and kick me back down to the ground by growing. Until the last couple of months the neurologist and neurosurgeon didn’t want to do anything because I was/am in good health and they didn’t believe it was worth the risk of the operation to find out what it is. Now I need to clarify that this surgery isn’t to remove the tumor, rather it is to simply take a biopsy and see what the next step is to stop it causing damage! It’s one bloody big operation for a biopsy hey! The tumour is still not large, about the size of my thumbnail, but as it is slowly growing it is the location that is the becoming the major cause for concern. My basic understanding is it’s where the brain fluid drains from, the optic nerves cross over and the pituitary gland is not far off. It’s pretty much one of the hardest and most dangerous spots in the brain to operate on! Put simply this biopsy surgery could impact my vision and possible give me short term memory loss (that’s all I’ve really been told and all I really want to know, I think). The other tumour is just sitting there, in a completely different spot, no change.

I’m not sure of the date of surgery yet but I will share the details I do know about the surgery. The surgery will take about 4 hours, in order to do it they need to shave some of my hair off, and I am really upset about that and yes I know it will grow back but I’m still sad about it. At least there is quite a few cool half shaved head, with long hair on the other side hairstyles out there at the moment. I’ll be searching for some nice headbands and practicing some side braids as well especially at first with my massive scar (3cm back from hairline and from the middle of my head down to under the ear, left side of head) After surgery I will be in the hospital for about 10 days and then there will be a 6-8 week recovery period at home. I’m not sure what this recovery period will allow me to or not do but when I have a clearer understanding I will let you know. I’m really going to miss playing sport :( BUT before you know it I will be up and running, well I hate running, but playing netball,basketball and going to the gym as well as constantly talking about music even to people who don’t care for music at all (sorry) and finding gigs to go to and planning my next overseas adventure, I’m thinking NZ this time!

To close this all, if I wasn’t a teacher I would be a professional traveller and if for some weird reason Lonely Planet declined my job application then I would want to work in the music industry. Having said that I’ll share some music when I write these blogs that help me get though times like this and may help you at any time. My favourite musician is John Mayer, he didn’t just write Your Body is a Wonderland ppl, so I will share one of his songs with you today. I wrote to one of my best friends the other week and she agrees with me that John wrote this song just for me :). It’s called The Heart of Life. I hope you have tissues nearby!

I would also like to share some thoughts/quotes/verses occasionally that encourage me and may do the same for you.

    ‘Whatever is happening in your life, don’t pre-occupy yourself with the question WHY? But rather ponder more on to WHERE these events will be bringing you. Know you are being led to somewhere beautiful, beyond your present harsh reality. Once you get to the WHERE, then you’ll know the WHY. Trust the process.”     Unknown

 I am the Lord your God. I am holding your hand, so don’t be afraid. I am here to help you. Isaiah 41:13 CEV

Well that’s it folks, thanks for reading. I ask for your prayers and positive thoughts. I have strong faith that not only am I in great professional care but that God has been and is looking after me every step of this journey.

I will keep you updated and when I am unable to blog my beautiful sister has agreed to post for me.

God bless,

Cass x

No card but a BIG thank-you and a high 5!

For now, swimming lessons are over. As an Australian it's quite usual to not show your "pride" or "boast" about your accomplishments because there's this idea that if you do you are egocentric. You know what?! I am proud of what I've just done and you know what else, I'm OK to share that pride. For me it's not about being egocentric it's about sharing my accomplishment or rather the fact that I overcame a fear. Make of it what you will.

Tonight the moon so bright you could drive with your headlights out!

Hear me out!
I was awake until just after 2 am last night/this morning. There were numerous reasons as to why, none of which we will go into detail about now. As I lay there I was thinking, 'I wonder if this album I have pre-ordered will download now', as its release date was today. I gave it a go. Fail! Our country is so bloody massive it had to be 23/8/2013 all across OZ. Unfair! I eventually fell asleep, all be it for less than 4 hours. Speaking of country, this album has a bit of a country feel to it. Not every song but there are a few that stand out. So yes you've probably cottoned on that this really will be a blog about my thoughts on this album. John Mayer's newbie Paradise Valley. Frankly I don't really care anymore what people think when I tell them my favourite artist is John Mayer. I usually get an 'oh hahaha response' and I know some people find it weird because I don't listen to commercial music (much) and they certainly don't play John on Triple J, in fact I've heard them pay him out before, but that's cool, they're still alright! I must be honest but the first time I heard John was back in 2002 and I HATED his music, well the one song I had heard. This song is the one most people think of when they hear his name, 'Your Body is a Wonderland'. I think I hated it because all of the "popular *coughsplutterskankscoughsplutter* girls at school liked it. Still don't know why that turned me off of it, my friends didn't dig it either.

I found myself in Borders one day, yeah good ol Borders books and music, and as I quite frequently did, stood there and listened to the whole album. Next thing you know I was in love. At first my family was into his music, I don't play it as loud as I used to because now they have had enough of him. Dad still has respect for his music and I know that deep down so does my brother, as he is talented, not a biased perspective at all. Dad took me to his gig a few months later. It was great but I secretly wanted to be down the front screaming with all the other teenies, even though it was a seated show. My time came for that again, twice actually, one time I was in the 3rd row. That show deserves a book not just a blog post, but I don't have time for that, sorry to disappoint.

Well after all the lead up to this review I won't do I'll just put it out there that I won't be doing an indepth Rolling Stone addition but just make a few points. The opening tune, Wildfire, is good, fullstop. It's got a bit of country feel to it, but it's catchy and sweet. Paper Doll was released as a single earlier this year. This song is probably the closest to his old style, simple, I'll put it in the Continuum category. The videoclip for this, only John Mayer can get away with. I'll post it and then you might get why he's the only one that can get away with it. I think it's because of his supposed carefree atitutde. Track 6, oh dear track 6! It's a beautiful love song BUT Katy perry you RUIN the end/almost the whole song for me because of that stupid giggle you do at the end. Now I've never hated Katy, she's alright and considering John and her are a couple it's fair enough they did this track together but that ending is surely her idea and it's terrible. WHY did you fall for this John, why?! I'm thinking this is an advertising thing, works for both of them, well more for Katy fans really. Other die hard John Mayer fans probably feel the same way as I do, unless they are also a die hard Katy fan as well. It's just way off track, even the song with Taylor Swift on Battle Studies works better. But having said that it's not my least favorite on the album. At the moment that is Track 5. Track 7, possibly a tear jerker, beautiful! Track 8 presents us with Frank Ocean. I swear that man canNOT sing live but I'm digging this song, the whole 1:26 of it. Don't really know why, I'm thinking it may wear off on me. After this, the catchy upbeat hillbilly sound returns and it's needed after the previous tracks but then we head back into the slow, solemn and mellow sounds. He ends it nicely, it's not depressing, not too much chingy changy country, just a  well placed track.

I have often thought it would be a difficult job to order tracks. If you think about it, you don't want all the happy  songs  at once followed by all the sad songs otherwise your upbeat mood will just drop but then if you put all the sad, melancholic songs first then come the upbeat songs can you concentrate on the positive aspects of them? Being a "deep thinker" I think I would love such a job yet it would probably drive me mad!

This album gets 4/5!

Here's Paper Doll for you.

On another note, I spent over three hours at the hospital today. Had 7 tubes of blood taken! I'm alright, trying to stay postive. I'm loving how I'm writing about visiting the hospital yet many people who may read this, be they "friends" or not will have no idea why I visited the hospital. Weird, possibly twisted, I know, but come on everyone loves a bit of suspense Actually I think I'm still just too scared to share the story. Keep checking and you may read the story!

Time to sleep! Basketball in the "morning" let's see if I can be top scorer 2 weeks in a row. Maybe shouting 'it's off"' every time I shoot is playing reverse psych with the ball. I'll try it again tomorrow

'You is kind, you is smart, you is important'.

why are your windscreen wipers on?

Which fool sets their alarm for 8:15am on a Sunday morning? Me! Why? To overcome a fear I've had for years. 'What is this fear?' I hear you ask. WATER is my response! Not drinking water you silly billy but swimming in it. If you saw me last year in a pool or in the sea at shoulder depth that meant I was about to drown. My fear came from a few different experiences, obviously not pleasant and as I had never tackled this fear it increased year by year. I'm guessing this adds to the reasons as to why I don't like summer. I don't believe in new year's resolutions because I figure if you're really keen to do something you can start it any day of the year, having said that it was my summer goal to tackle this fear. One main personal reasons led to this decision, the main reason I set out to do this at the time was actually not to overcome the fear, weird I know, but when this reason soon became no longer relevant I thought 'pfft why bother'. One of my besties said to me 'Fuck that Cass, just do it. Do it for yourself otherwise this "reason/fear" wins'. True she was. So after about 4 weeks of contemplation I went to the counter at my gym and asked to enroll in the adult beginners swimming lessons. That was the most embarrassing and challenging part of the process. Talking to someone, most probably younger than me, and admitting I didn't know how to swim. 'so do you want to enroll in beginners beginners or intermediate?' 'umm, beginners' I said as I blushed (I assume I was blushing). 'So you can't float or...' ,'No', 'Oh, ok'. So I signed this, signed that, was told pay this amount of money and be there at  9:45am every Sunday morning. Uggh!

I rocked up to my first lesson, almost as embarrassed as I was when I had signed up. One of the kiddy classes was next to me. All of these 10 years olds swam better than me, obviously. Could it get any more embarrassing? Nah! My instructor rocked up. When I saw him I thought 'phew, he'll definitely be able to pull me out of the water' (that at the time didn't go above my chest) as he was a big muscly guy. I later found out he plays water polo. I was "in good hands" (which he did have to use once).

Well now I'm in the intermediate class. My alarm goes off half an hour earlier than it used to. I'm sure you can make the connection as to why. I was 10 minutes late this morning but better late than never. The water depth is 3m in the pool the intermediate classes use. I was just as scared the first lesson I had in the intermediate class as I was in the beginners class. There is no way I can put my feet down if I freak out or give up now. After a month or so I forgot about the depth. Every now and then I think about it and freak out. That happened this morning as I was half way through a lap of freestyle. It's amazing the power that positive thinking and reassuring yourself can have. I'm still here. Watch out you mofo of a fear, I'm winning! I'm not bad with the freestyle, if I do say so myself, improving on the backstroke, still a fair way to go with the breaststroke but I'll get there. Next week will be my last lesson for a while. I was thinking of getting my trainer a thank-you card, does that cross the line?

Screw tumble turns!

Most of the time I'll spend another 10-20 minutes swimming after the lesson finishes before heading up to the BodyBalance class. Jumped straight out of the water this morning. Not really sure why. I love BodyBalance although the balancing part isn't my strong point in the class. If you've done it, you'll get it. If you haven't I challenge you to and then you can decide whether to laugh at what I just wrote or sympathise with me. I'm going to miss this class. It's such a great way to relax yet at the same time it's a pretty good workout, it's got nothing on BodyCombat though. That one gets every bad vibe/feeling/negative emotion out of me. I must admit one's mindset does help to achieve this during the class or maybe it's the trainer. She's wicked. Another challenge for you.

I got a coffee on the way home, every-time I order a skinny flat white I regret it, just go the full fat version, they taste better.  No point in going a skinny when you add sugar anyway is there.

I was almost home and this car was driving towards me with their wipers going full speed. Who forgets to turn off their wipers? 5 seconds later I realised they didn't forget to turn them off. Crazy!

Watch this space, news coming, possibly! It takes courage to share some things but that's one reason I started this, to share. Isn't that one reason you do it or read them?

I hope this blogging doesn't become an addiction.

Don't really know the actual story behind this song but the lyrics fit to the overall themes of this post! Haven't even watched this clip ha!

lost in transit

I don't know how to do this blogging stuff. I suppose it's really just like writing a journal but the whole world can access it. That's a bit scary when you think about it. There's obviously a range of reasons people do this. I'm not 100% sure what mine is yet or rather if it's worth it.

I bet I'm the 27,543rd person who's first blog has been just like this.